Early Birthday Gifts

Even though my birthday isn't till Monday I'm already reaping the benefits of being such an old bastard. Ash tray given to me by my friend Melissa says 'Jesus hates it when you smoke' on it and the Banana Bunker was a gift from Jim at Hiawatha Cyclery. Protect your banana. That's an order!!


I'm going to have nightmares about almost wiping out that guy from Evanston on his brand new Bleriot. That's a bike for those of you passing a bottle of shitty whiskey in a circle. I was arguing with someone who shall remain nameless except his initials are Boone's Farm and Bleriot Boy turned left on the path onto a grassy knoll. Yeah, I know, look where you're going and don't be arguing with halfwits who come on the ride once a month. Speaking of halfwits, there's one coming in from South Dakota next Friday.

Anybody Ever Heard Of A Maruishi?

Come on, don't be shy...make some shit up in the comments section.

No Name Race - April 1st

The family bike mechanic (Josh) called last night to see if I'd work a stop for the April version of No Name. Being that I'm off on Monday cuz it's my birthday I can stay out Sunday night even after the street lights come on. Meeting place is the same as always which is the gazebo at the east end of the Stone Arch Bridge at 6:30 pm.

To Mrs: Don't Get Me Any Of These Items For My Birthday

1) The Bad Lieutenant starring Harvey Keitel. The wording on the movie jacket says: Gambler, Thief, Junkie, Killer, Cop. If you ever have the misfortune of renting this disaster...then by all means rent The Piano too and you'll have seen enough of Harvey's junk to last a lifetime. Oh, I've never watched The Piano but Mrs told me Harvey displays his johnson in a very artistic fashion. Showering is mandatory after viewing the Bad Lieutenant.

2) A Team Urthel jersey or for that matter any picture of Ped. I lived through the brown leisure suit era and unlike some of the guys I ride with on Saturday morning I no longer have mine.

3) The Banana Bunker. Available at Hiawatha Cyclery for reasons beyond this discussion...it has huge sexual undertones and overtones and I believe if I brought my banana to work in one of these the Boys Of Public Works would make me walk the plank.

4) Brooks saddle. Leather has its place in biker bars, cattle drives and the bedroom. My list wouldn't be complete without one of these on it. But, if you insist on chapping your ass with a leather seat then the best places to purchase a Brooks saddle are Hiawatha Cylery on E 54th Street and 42nd Ave South or Freewheel Bike on 6th and Cedar on the West Bank.

5) Helmet cover made from a plastic Target bag. From a style standpoint wrong on a multitude of levels and from a cheapskate level even wronger. Tuffy, was my grammar in the last sentence correct and when does Forester Ray get to talk to your class. My biggest fear about wearing a Target bag helmet cover would be that the neighborhood kids would recognize me and razz the shit out of me. I'd rather drown than wear one of these.

There you have it my darling. These are items to avoid as well as any lawn tools, paint brushes or videos of Paulina Poritzkova's (sp?) dance numbers on Dancing With The Stars. I still love you Paulina even if I work with 30 guys who are lighter on their feet than you.

Boy, Is That A Panty On Your Head?

Mrs says it looks like I've got my underwear on my head and who can argue with the little shit. This photo was snapped by the Cycling Curmudgeon who has the link to me listed as Lunatic Cyclist. How upper-crust and European. That's my argyle sweater I wore for the Go Argyle Or Go Home theme Hiawatha Cyclery Ride last Saturday. Now I paid like $9.75 for the sweater at a thrift store but I've seen other gentlemen wearing argyle including celebrities on talk shows. Is there a big argyle kick going on in men's fashion? Was the guy who unloaded the thing from his closet on the cutting edge of fashion by shitcanning it? But the bigger question is: How many washings will it take Mrs to shrink the mf down to a size that Morgan will be able to use for his Ken doll?

After The Chaps Picture I Figured You Needed Some Churchin'

This is Mother Angelica. She has been invited to ride the Saturday Morning HC Ride. She has declined. At the cabin her channel which she's on like 23 hours a day is right next to a hunting channel so you can hear the good sister speak or flip over to rednecks chasing down a turkey with a baseball bat. Gotta love Wisconsin.

Boys Of The Hiawatha Cyclery Saturday Morning Ride

Ladies, this is Pete. I have to use this picture because the one I took Saturday came out all blurry. Actually, this isn't Pete's ass, more inappropriately this backside belongs to David Hasselhoff. Pete was Hasselhoff's stunt double for Baywatch and Hasselhoff occasionally does body doubling for Pete. What are friends for? Pete made his fortune in the chaps market by designing the 'ooh la la' model which has become the industry standard for male dancers worldwide. Pete left the chaps market in the mid-90's to become a shower curtain ring buyer for Bed, Bath and Beyond. Pete is 6'5" tall (6'9" with afro) and weighs 190 pounds. Pete is married, has 2 dogs, 3 cats, a hamster and 11 children. His riding style can only be described as dangerous.

Sunday Dragger Ride To Promote Soccer Mom Road Rage

You know irony can be pretty ironic sometimes...Weight Watchers right next door to Country Buffet or in Richfield...Country Buffet right next door to a big and tall men's store. The salad balances off the deserts so this little presentation is only like 3 maybe 4 points on the Weight Watcher's point system.


Ok soccer moms and every other douchebag who gets pissed at cyclists out on the street. When my car starts and I drive it I do so with the utmost care when cyclists, children, dogs and even joggers are around. When your children are wobbling back and forth on the trail I slow to a crawl so as not to scare them or injure them. Your children aren't going to be little forever and some day if they're smart they'll ride a bike instead of driving a car. So, for the last time, put down that fucking phone and concentrate on driving. There!! I feel much better.


Got a bicycle you haven't ridden in a while? Don't say you've got to take it into a bike shop to have it looked at. Put air in the tires, some salad oil on the chain and ride the sob till it drops and then call somebody to pick you up and drop your bike off at a bike shop.


Rode with some triathlon guy yesterday. He was riding a decked out Cervelo. Said he had $12,000 invested in the bike. For that much dough it shoulda come with fenders. Probably should of run him off the road, huh Allan?


Now this is some repugnant shit! Who do you think you are, Mickey Spillane? You're not a fucking writer...you're a killer.

Don't Forget, Easter's Right Around The Corner

Boys Of The Hiawatha Cyclery Saturday Morning Ride - First In A Series

Ladies, this is Jim W. Jim is a Libra, 24 years old, 6' 5" and 210 pounds. He's originally from Racine, Wisconsin which makes Sioux Falls, South Dakota look like Paris. Jim likes long walks along the interstate, classical music and cooking. Jim was Martha Stewart's pen pal while she was incarcerated. Jim's wearing an argyle sweater from Brooks Brothers and trousers from Kaplan Brothers. Jim is currently in a relationship.

Welcome To Glendale Heights, Knut

This is Knut who was born at the Berlin Zoo. His mother abandoned him and he's being spoon fed. What was that Freud said? The animal rights people want to have Knut killed because spoon feeding him crab cakes and sardines wouldn't be right since if this happened in the wild he wouldn't survive. As Mrs said last night, 'I think he'd rather be spoon fed and cuddled rather than be killed'. CW doesn't have a polar bear, yet. I would take him in but Snowy says he'd take up too much room on the bed.

Are You Gonna Eat Those Fries?

My great-niece Aimee shown here with her t-shirt that says: I HAVE A SECRET

For you lazy people who don't want to click on the photo the back of her shirt says: I'M GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER. Righteous!! My godchild Brian and the lovely and talented Elizabeth who once had a cameo on 90210 are expecting a sibling for Aimee. Due date is September. We will soon have another kid to take to flea markets and back to the old neighborhood. Maybe some day Aimee and her brother/sister can be put on a plane/train/bus or hitch a ride with a motorcycle gang to Minneapolis to visit Uncle Ray and Aunt Debbie.

Oh Liz, don't send those church people here. Last time they were here they ate all the Dorito's and Cheez-its and left a big mess.

My Man Doug Expresses His Opinion Of Hospital Food

Work at a hospital? Bully for you. I thought I could've been a doctor until they showed some guy getting a vasectomy on the Learning Channel. I wanted to be a realtor but my mother told me that a more honest profession would be better for me...so I became a drug dealer.

Mrs' Rebuttal To Her Husband's Comments During Dancing With The Stars

Cat 6 Ride To North Dakota

Ooh, that T-Wrench is such a bad ass

According to the computer on the Dragger we went about 175 miles. Have to get that thing re calibrated. It was a fun ride with the chicks and Sickboy who I was able to piss off. Glad he went to a bible college or he would of told me to eff off. That's Cuban in the background offering a toast to the Phoenix who was too busy waxing his skis (insert filthy double entendre) to come with. The kids even mustered up enough testosterone to sprint to the city limits signs of Hopkins, Minnetonka, Wayzata and the Welcome to North Dakota sign.

High point of the ride besides pissing Sickboy off was running into the Loon State 318 ride which featured the Skibonator and Red Lantern. The Loon State 318 ride is every Sunday from Wayzata to Sexworld in downtown Minneapolis. I didn't see the Donimator. He was probably polishing his Hummer (by all means, insert really filthy double entendre).

Nice thing about riding the Dragger that far was the guilt free feeling of ordering that wagon wheel sized pizza when we got home.

Most Of Us Will Be Dead By The Time She's Old Enough To Ride With Loon State

This young lady put my helmet on at Melo-Glaze and immediately ordered a dozen donuts and a glass of milk. Must be the karma of my helmet because Ma had a similar reaction except she also ordered a carton of Chesterfields.

Melo-Glaze proudly supports the Fairview Riverside Hospital Cardiac Department and Liposuction Minneapolis.

I Bet He Wants To Be A Dancer

Hiawatha Ride ended up at framebuilder Curt Goodrich's shop on East Hennepin. Went inside for a few moments and exchanged pleasantries with the usual suspects...Big Jim, Little Joe, Big Bad John and Bad Bad Leroy Brown.

As opposed to Tuffy who has a fabulous NCAA basketball board going, mine is pretty well crap after the first round. Duke always screws me over no matter what side of the fence I'm on with them.

Mrs is taking the bus to Southdale and to bring Ma some chocolate and socks. I think we've bought Ma like 50 pairs of socks the last 6 months. Asked Mrs if she wanted me to come with and she replied, 'why would you want to do that'?.

How Did I Get Here? Damn Lunesta!!

Off again today and have no big plans. Watch some basketball? Clean the bathroom? Panhandle on the highway off ramp?

Rode to Saint Paul with a stop for air at Grand Performance and then a hospital visit with Doug who informed me that I look quite disturbing in my nun's costume. So, after I ate the kid's leftover chicken nuggets and pissed off his nurses I left. On the way out I came upon a couple of chicks who were selling jewelry at a conference room type table right off the lobby. I am now in negotiation with Hot Ice Jewelry for what could become Mrs' first sponsor. These gals were suffering from Post Soccer Mom Stress Disorder and had traded in their mini-vans for suv's just slightly larger than the Red October. I told the girls that since they were reasonably charming and their jewelry was economically priced that I give 'em a link to increase traffic on their site. With advertising like that they'll soon be on the cover of Forbes or Money magazine or at least the Rivendell Reader.

Appears as if Cat 6 will be skipping church and going for a ride Sunday. This will be a Cat 6 and significant others ride which I have dubbed the Cat 6 Pimps and Ho's Ride. Rumor has it that the ride will be out to Excelsior for coffee and pastries. Oh snap, I better advertise this debacle on my Myspace page. OK now, if I ever use the terms significant other, 'oh snap' or Myspace please find me and kill me with a salad fork.

Loaner Bike While My Clown Bike Is In For Psychiatric Evaluation

Why it's a Salsa Dos Niner and the guy who lent it to me...

...owns the pile of treasures behind me. Does that shirt make me look fat? No, don't f-ing answer that question.

The Use Of 'Boyfriend Phones' Has Been Prohibited By The Infield Whip

Team Grumpy's Reaction To Smither's Chalkboard Presentation

So I attended my first track meeting and rode to Blaine in the Grumpy's team car and enjoyed lively conversation about pro bicycle racing, messengering and the kid's collection of assorted Barbie doll stuff.

The meeting itself was quite informative and I was introduced as the infield whip and told by Bob that I'd be in charge of the infield...helping keep the races on schedule, running off undesirables and duct taping children to benches. I hope I get to enforce the foul language ban, well, the foul language ban for everyone except me.

Smithers is going have his own Saturday night racing series which will include sponsoring by The Rush Limbaugh show and The Weather Channel. Smithers, whose real name is Smithers then stepped to the chalkboard and outlined a rather detailed explanation of the procreation process which left the Grumpy's/LGR kids with a deer in the headlights look.

When the meeting adjourned and I had alienated everyone in the room except Skibby I bummed a ride home from Sickboy and Gilby where the conversation ranged from vegetarian cuisine to my collection of Star Trek memorabilia.

It's going to be a fun summer at the track and there will now be a concession stand to satisfy your cravings for blueberry squishies and microwave burritos.

That Rug Really Pulled The Room Together

Let's keep it down. Let's keep it short.

I'm attending the track meeting tonight and since our car wasn't started since January 28th I'll be picked up by Super Rookie in the official Grump's/LGR team car. For the meeting I'll probably wearing a plaid shirt and carpenter jeans accented by a fist full of cologne.

Just want you geniuses to know that I wasn't making fun of Ma by getting her to pose in my helmet and sunglasses. Ma has always been a ham for the camera. I can still make her laugh. I'm the baby of the family...so, I'm my mother's favorite. Are you jealous of the baby in the family. Get over it.

Much thanks goes out to Skibby for finding Hot Chicks With Douchebags which I now have added as a permanent link. Don't be afraid to check it out. The guy who writes it really has a way with words and uses no foul language.

Road trip this morning to drop off something for my boss. I told him I'll try to be back by 3.

Hey HC Crue: Karl Put Miss Butternut's Chain Back On. How Cool Was That?

From the Minnehaha Hub's re-grand opening. I had a smoothie and then went outside to have a heater to get the taste out of my mouth.

Ma's Press Conference...Says She's Now Old Enough To Ride With Loon State

Charming Photo Of E And Her Mom's Feet

Ride Minneapolis Ride!!!

So all you little roadies are finally out on your little bikes because it's 50 degrees. Glaring, trying to give ME that fucking hard guy look. Wait, I'll get Mrs to handle the light shit. Good to see y'all out and riding. Thems rollers can't be too much fun all winter.

Out with the fabulous Mrs on the Dragger. Breakfast at Uptown Diner followed by a triumphant return to Ma's place and then probably a CRC stop for cookies and stickers.

Rode to St Paul Children's hospital yesterday to visit my old (14) buddy Doug who had to have an emergency operation. He's doing well and is being well-cared for by $30 an hour RN's. Threw out the anchor on the Ramsey hill but still hit 31 mph. Huge hill with a light at the bottom can be moderately dicey.

Alright, enough of this crap. Bring on the carbs.

Looking For Something To Do Tomorrow?

Remember 'Thing' From The Addams Family?

I'll Stop Twice On Monday

Some guy yelled out the window at me and little Missy this morning at 42nd and Hiawatha. Something about the light we were running applied to us too. I waved to him which kinda pissed him off and then I gave him a birdie which really warmed him up in the bullpen. Sorry buster, I was in a hurry. Why in a hurry? Pick a reason from the list:

1. Late because Mrs had her good nightgown on...and...and...four minutes later he shoots and scores.

2. Stayed up late watching The English Patient aka The English Fuckstick and couldn't get to sleep after such a wonderful movie.

3. Late because Ma called right before we were to leave. Seems the old lady in the next room took all of Ma's skivvies and ran them up the flagpole. Remember, if you don't laugh about Ma, you'll end up crying your eyes out.

4. Was in a hurry because we're shooting the boys of Public Works fashion guide this morning for the new fall Carhartt line of work clothing.

5. Late because I had to chase Wu down after she bolted at a very slow speed from in front of the house. Caught her two blocks down ringing doorbells and running away.

6. Mother-in-law called to tell me that her daughter made a shitty selection when she married me.

7. Late because I was trying to hack into the Grumpy's/LGR message board with my cell phone. Come on guys, I know a thing or two about NASCAR.

8. Was on the phone with the owners of the land designated for the new Twin's ballpark negotiating on behalf of the Pohlad family. I promised them all the warm beer and cold hot dogs they could handle.

9. Was writing a draft to answer a steamy e-mail from the gal who's in charge of the HR Department. Seems after all that she has the hots for foul-mouthed-unshaven-middle-aged-men. Why is she on the list? We found ourselves face-to-face yesterday for an awkward exchange of pleasantries.

10. Left the house and got a half mile down the road before I realized I wasn't wearing pants and had to ride back only to find nothing clean to wear. Borrowed a pair of Mrs' old stirrup pants and shimmied my fat ass into them blowing all the seams out.


Peace out, ride a bike, eat a donut and call your mother-in-law. Down deep she doesn't hate you as much as you think.

Debra, Do They Have A $1500 Drying Rack?

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The Wienery Was Closed

Mrs took me to a nicer restaurant when we were downtown on Saturday. 6th and Nicollet...M & S Grill? No, not S & M Grill, pervs. As you can see there's actually linen tablecloths and napkins and no catsup bottles on the tables.

Fork dilemma. Yeah I know work your way in from the outside...blah, blah, blah.

Madame's dessert which was almost too attractive to eat. She found a way and ate the whole thing except for the microscopic portion she shared with me.

Mrs Showing Off At Bike Expo

So Mrs throws some little shit off his bike and proceeds to show him some real tricks...hey, speaking of Bike Expo and VIP night...what happened? Fucking Post Office!!

Mild Bike Related Content

The fleet is currently somewhat wounded. Status is as follows:


Clown bike: Back tire is rubbing on chainstay, fender and anything else it could possibly rub on. Closer inspection showed that one spoke is really loose. Maybe more than one is loose but I got called upstairs for dinner before I could check closer.


Black Surly Crosscheck: Almost went down on the Minnehaha Pkwy trail near Bloomington. Somewhere along the line I found enough traction to keep from going down. Nearly ripped front fender off with my foot. Continued on with front fender rubbing tire. Called fender several names that would offend soccer moms, stay-at-home moms and nuns. Flat tire ensued. Rode about a mile on front flat tire to un-named bike shop. Fender taken off and tube replaced by professional bike mechanic. Rode home. Tire flat again 20 minutes later. Don't cry for me, Argentina.


Salsa Las Cruces: At home near washer and dryer whispering sweet nothings to Mrs' Long Haul trucker...yeah the bike with the cool Honjo fenders.


Surly 1 x 1: In really great shape with no major mechanical problems. Saddle spent the entire way to work bitching about how fat those Girl scout cookies are making my ass.


Trek tandem aka The Princess Dragger: Was told some time last summer that the back wheel is shot. Shifting gears can be an adventure. Bell works great. Needs to be repainted with a can of Krylon.


Surly Crosscheck aka Parade Bike: Spending a leisurely winter in the basement drinking Crown Royal and smoking cigars. It'll be a long time before I ride this baby. If it's raining in Nebraska then I won't ride it. I'm not a primaddona...I'd wear my $150 dress shoes to clean out the gutters.

KM, I Pattern Myself More After Leo

Why Girls, Why?

Married men all have a signal they give their wives that a phone conversation is indeed, OVER. It can be an alright or an OK or a burp...but every married man gives the signal. The message is clear. It says I have heard enough of your voice for this time slot. But most women talk through the signal and the man has to keep repeating the signal several times. This doesn't apply to the true control freaks who always end the conversation when they're done with their husband. They usually cut the old man off while he's saying something.


Mrs is really good about the phone because she's the rare woman who hates to talk on the phone. Of course we've been married for 26 years and we don't have kids so there's no long conversations about junior's horseshit grades. Been married less than 5 years? As Mrs says it's kinda like you're still just dating. Better hang on her every word and not develop a signal just yet.

Well OK. Did you get that girls? Conversation is over.


The views expressed here are soley those of All The Way Ray and do not reflect those of the Democratic Party, Category 6 Racing Squad or Sexworld.

I Had My Picture Taken With Greg Lemond At Bike Expo

Dedicated to Super Rookie who inspires me on a daily basis...

Would Need An OFS Sticker

Cat 6 In The House

I missed the Minnesota Cyclist Of The Year Competition because I helped a little old lady cross the street but I still had my picture taken with the winner. Hey wait, that's Derrick from Category 6 Racing Squad. Derrick had to eat 3 Chipotle burritos while riding his bike to break a tie in the competition.

8:48 am update: Action footage of D's victory lap provided by a guy who'll sell you a Rivendell and a nice leather seat.

Rider Of The Year Competition

No, not me although my nomination would have to be the guy I saw on Minnehaha Ave last summer with the roll of carpet over his shoulder at 6 am. He was probably an interior decorator. But Gene -O told me to advertise the competition cuz Rick told everybody to...and I don't want Gene-O to take a swing at me so here it is if a little late. Competition starts at 11 am which means I have to bust ass to get down to the Convention Center. Come on down. We can talk and heckle whoever is working the Minnesota Cycling Federation booth. I hope it's Richter.


Rider of the Year competition will involve some riding skill (while enjoying a Chesterfield), mechanical skills which would eliminate me immediately and a time trial, hopefully through the Home and Garden show which is running concurrently with the Bike Expo. No yardstick for you!!


Pictures of a fun-filled weekend will be up tomorrow, maybe.

Single File? WTF!

Rode with Jim on the vaunted HC ride this morning. I would've been the only rider but just as I was about to leave Jim showed up to pick up his champagne bucket for the wheelbuilding class at Melllllllo Velllllllo's garage. I hung around with the boys until students arrived...alienated everyone and left.


What's with all the fucking joggers?


Monte, where the hell are you? I've got old ladies honking and yelling out the window at me and you're not around for moron support.


The plan today is to take the train downtown for Bike Expo and take somebody's expensive bike out on the test course for a nice leisurely test ride. Aw, who am shittin'. I'll take it out and try and destroy it. That'll teach 'em for trusting me with their bike.

What A Spectacular Tablecloth!!!!!!!!!!

Off today and so is Mrs because her unit at the hospital was closed today. Nope, not kidding. Posting from the library while Madame' is at Macy's shopping for a tablecloth. Ooh, you rebel. We took the train down and will eventually end up in Highland for a Turnstyle stop and Cleveland Wok. Here goes the egg roll record.


Worked last night till like 8:30 and passed on several offers for a ride home. Richfield streets were way better than those in Minneapolis so half the ride home was really fun and the rest was really, really fun. Played on an empty 42nd Street until I hit the center snow area while standing and couldn't clip out so I ended up eating shit and laughing about it.


Bike Expo tomorrow after the Hiawatha Ride which I may be the only person to ride. 18 minutes left on my computer time and still need to read Smithers. Bye.

Wish You Were Here

My Take On The Situation

This is Larry Birkhead. I like the blonde highlights. Look really fast at him and there's a certain Jay Mohr resemblance. Is this picture in the Hot Chicks With Douchebags blog. Thanks Skib, you're the best. I don't know if I'd like this guy if he lived next door unless he would let Snowy and Wu out when we couldn't make it home in time. Mrs isn't big on pretty boys which is why she's with me so I wouldn't have to worry about Larry.
Prince Frederick von Anhalt! Say it proudly, damn it! Shouldn't a guy with Prince in front of his name be rich already? Zsa Zsa Gabor is 90 and Anna Nicole Smith was 39. This boy's an animal. And not too bright. I bet Zsa Zsa cut this idjit's allowance off for a while after he threw his hat in the ring. He just wanted people to think he was...let's just say...intimately involved with a woman 24 years younger than him.
This picture of Howard K Stern is misleading. I saw him on Entertainment Tonight and he looks like a regular guy even if he's a lawyer. He'd be a damn good neighbor. Let your dog out...bail you out of jail...give you his last Chesterfield. I'm rootin' for him.


When did this bullshit stop being about biking? Hard to tell. I will tell you that I'm amusing the shit out of myself, which is the most important thing.

We Know How To Deal With Chain-Smoking Priests