You don't have to be beautiful to turn me on

This gem showed up on my doorstep while I was slaving over a hot paint can. Jim, I better borrow the rickshaw.

I had to stop back at home when I passed back thru the neighborhood because I needed to change clothes. I had the green Oakland A's jersey on but somehow spaced out and wore a pair of blue camo shorts. I quickly changed into black shorts, gave the dogs a treat and ran them outside for a quick squirt.

One of the fellas from the Water Department won $25,000 at Mystic Lake and is buying pizza today. I'll try to get a picture of the carnage.

Don't feel like a candyass because a middle aged woman rode her bike to work in shorts today. We'll find something else for that.

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

I bought this helmet at Zumiez where they call me dude.

Some woman bellyached that I didn't send her the bill for her tree removal. Yep, I harassed her by not harassing her for the money. I'm sure she'll call the IRS and ask why they haven't hounded her for 2010's taxes.

So, it's Tuesday but it seems like Monday.

Welcome delegates

Since the Republicans are feigning concern over Hurricane Gustav the Republican Convention will be held at the Richfield Public Works Maintenance Facility. I'm a Democrat but I can look the other way to help the boys out. We have several amenities that make our new facility ideal. We have 2 refrigerators, 4 microwaves, 2 ice machines, an $8000 conference room table and indoor parking. And, we're right across the highway from a liquor store. Forester Ray available for tours of marked elm trees.

Interesting to me

It's the kid next door's first birthday party. Ethan, I think? As recently as 15 minutes ago there were a bunch of kids jumping around in that thing and each kid had their mother chasing them around with a digital camera. Not judging mind you. Just observing.

Princesses

It looks like we're going to make the movie today and then Ma's place. Snowy is pretty tolerant of Kiah. But she knows she's the queen bee.

The plan for today was to make the 11 am showing of Traitor and then go see Ma. In reality, we never made it out of our jammies. My neighbors have seen my full jammy wardrobe over the last 18 years. There's always tomorrow. There goes that interval training right down the shitteroo.

I sure hope Homme calls me during a cross race this year, too.

Rosenberg has summoned me to the western White House. Have a nice weekend and burn your old lady's honey-do list as a sign of your dwindling manhood.

I was standing at Cedar and the Parkway talking to a fireman (they were collecting for MDA) when they got a call.

This is our sign in the entry way. I'd tell you how much it cost but Rosenberg would have a kitten. Speaking of my old buddy...he's back like a virus on your computer.

You know how Forrest Gump tells the drill sergeant on the bus that his name is Forrest Gump and the drill sergeant tells him he 'doesn't give a rat's ass about you'? That's how I feel about Smither's cross career. You know I'm just kidding, Love Chunks, and I'm piss my pants excited to see you doing cross.

I'd describe the energy level of my commute today as listless. And now I have even less energy than that.

Reading glasses of death

Rain gods nailed me good. FNG commuters are starting to fall by the wayside.

Debbie and I just got new reading glasses. I could catch the sun with mine and burn a hole in the side of a building.

Last Black Dog of the season tonight. I may show up for the party. I didn't have the season I wanted but what the hell...19:38 ain't all that bad for a couch potato(e) with a bad knee. Right now, when I get up out of a chair there's a moment of somewhat excruciating pain when I steady myself to walk. Now, that may be nothing to y'all who ride regularly with crutches and gun shots but to a pansy like myself it's pretty painful.

One of my homies quit drinking. For me, it was a wise decision. I wish him nothing but the best. I'm always available to help.

Choo choo

It wasn't me.

Linkletter

Yeah, links are back and sporadic comment allowance too. This ain't no democracy I'm runnin'. Now, when you are allowed to comment, show some GD sense. I still need to link to Vito, R2D2Love2bike, The Donut Guy, Jank et al. And of course Mr Morgan Whiterabbit who's the main man.

There's a puppy training area on like 26th and 26th. These dogs are being trained as service dogs and the last couple days I've stopped to pet them through the fence. There's a woman out there with them and I think I've convinced her that I'm not there to talk to her.

I should show up in ninja wear this week because I'm in the throws of a major tree marking offensive. Let's paint the entire world orange.

I got your tires...swingin'

I'm not currently storing any tires at bike shops so here they are in their entirety. I'd be inclined to give you a set of tires but you'd want delivery too because that's way you are. But, you know what? I need to buy a set of cross tires because we're less than a month away from the start of cross season. I'm getting in the spirit for cross, what with Smithers practicing his barrier practice over entire household plumbing systems. What a man!!

McCain's short list

No, it isn't Ronald Reagan...it's Ronald McDonald and I'm sure he'll bring enough $3 a cup instant cappuccino for everyone.
Grandpa Munster provides a strong presence and a foul enough mouth to be named as an honorary member of the City of Richfield Public Works Department.
Hasselhoff's video of his slobbering drunk ass is one of my favorites especially the part where he's trying to eat. Never has anyone risen so far in the company with such meager talent.
I'm not sure if Noriega is still incarcerated. He could be a perfect replacement for Dick Cheney who should probably be behind bars. Boy, that Noriega sure is a cutie, now isn't he girls?

Political alert

I argue with 70 year old men about trees for a living so why would I want one as my president? Besides, he's a Republican and I grew up in Chicago so I was a Democrat at birth.

Wash day

If Obama picks Joe Biden I'm sitting this one out

Either Chuck D or Flava Flav would work for me. Obama's whiter than most white guys so he could really use the input from a real black guy.
I hear Ed McMahon needs the money and he could deliver your tax rebate via Publisher's Clearinghouse.
With Tyson as Vice President Obama would have someone who would gladly beat the crap out of pencil neck reporters at news conferences. Start with that pompous ass Britt Hume.
Karch Kiraly would be great just because I like the name Karch Kiraly and he's also more urban than Obama even when he's in So Cal hanging out on the beach.

Swagger Friday has been buried in a shallow grave

Smithers is mad at me because I called him a dickhead who doesn't return e-mails and recently suggested that he'll probably DFL in his cross races unless he races with me and Rosenberg.

Mrs works at the kids treatment unit at Fairview which includes kids who have other problems besides substance abuse. She says there's a kid who hides behind his Tourettes to insult people and he's in danger of getting a serious ass kicking from the anger management kids.

We live in a car culture. Ride your bike to work because it's the greatest thing going. We live in a car culture. Get over it.

I need to return my PT and tennis pro's e-mail because I don't want her to think I'm like Smithers.

For Andrew

Andrew, I'll have the lunch wagon set up on your block when the fellas remove the trees.
Some guy asked me yesterday if he gets all the government he pays for. I told him he was today.

Orange dot means City removal. Orange ring means time to check the balance on that home equity loan.

Cyril, what we have here is a failure to communicate

Undefined

They're having their weekly office meeting in the lunchroom. I answer the phone (sometimes) during this time period because I'd end up taking a hostage if I attended the meeting. Only your SMALL children and dogs know what a sweetheart I am.

Once again and surely not for the last time who are you girls calling at 6:30 in the morning...a friend? The old man? your mother? NO, don't tell me.

I just realized that racing cross will involve riding on wet grass. No, don't e-mail me. Less is more.

My knee made a miraculous recovery Monday morning after 2 ibuprofen and 8 cups of coffee. You know what they tell a 50 year old man at the knee doctor's office. Lose weight and you're old so what do you expect?

My nephew Paul is coming from Chicago tomorrow so soon I'll be running on Dunkin. Don't worry, his mother will call him 60 times while he's on the road.

I'm too lazy to get off my ass and go to the velodrome to watch racing.

My new phone at my new office can be forwarded to any phone number and as we speak all my calls are being forwarded to a Nevada brothel. I bet I could locate your work phone number with little trouble so be don't make any sudden moves.

I got wet grass on my cyclocross mu mu which is major suckage.

When you use the term "whatever" in my presence I want to drag you behind a car.

A true champion

Yeah, another E-Bay find and only 49 bucks. In other important news Mrs junk man is coming tomorrow for that old Nordic Track, 25 year old tv set and 20 year old microwave oven amongst other stuff. Smithers is a dickhead who doesn't return e-mails but then again I'm a dickhead who doesn't always (especially if you work for the City Of Richfield) return e-mails either. But, at least I send postcards.

Working steadily and diligently un-appreciated by middle management waiting patiently for the worker's revolution. Other than that I'm marking a shitload of elms and counting the minutes till I'm in the warmth of my puppies and Mrs.

My latest E-Bay treasure. I really don't care if the player is still on the team although I'd probably not wear a Vick or OJ Simpson jersey. I hope to wear this one for a cross race. Hope is the key word because my knee that doctors make college tuition payments from is clicking like a MF. It's ok, as Sergeant Mike in Saving Private Ryan says - 'I just got the wind knocked out of me, I'm fine'.

I brought Ma a cookie from the Mexican bakery near the Hub and she ate the whole thing and washed down with a quart of Budweiser. Just kidding about the Bud...nobody should have to stoop that low. Don't feel bad about Ma because she's in her own little world and seems quite content. I took Sone's advice and took Ma outside for a little fresh air. Shit, even convicts get some time in the yard. Fellas, don't worry about ending up in a long term care facility. There's like 4 male residents out of about 250 in the complex. You peckerheads just aren't gonna live that long to be institutionalized. Remember, Ma buried 2 husbands.

If they served coffee in the women's shoe department at Macy's I could camp out for hours and watch the girls shoe shop. I'm a confirmed people watcher so airports, train stations and the like are right up my alley. The gal above was out with her Moms and lost Mom for a short period.
Ponytail was as serious as a heart attack. We need to have her as our state senator because Al Franken tells tasteless sexist jokes (those are the best ones) and Norm Coleman is so pussy-whipped that he takes the garbage out when instructed to.
Personally, I couldn't see marrying a girl without 60 pairs of shoes. Lime green girl needed shoes. Trust me on that one.
Aah yes Mrs...a true superstar of the shoe shopping world. She's the Greg Maddox of the shopping world. Don't get in her way.

Bernie Mac knew where funny lived

Yarrrr, that's a big gear

&^%$*&^*@+&*^%&$%^&$#@#&^%^%^%^%&&%##*#@******

I voted for Dukakis, Jesse and Kerry so Dr Jack isn't so far fetched.

Feel free to text me

Does anyone know who won the women's fencing at the Olympics? Maybe the guy in apartment 302 knows.

West Coast Bureau Chief Tuffy's weekly field report included this sign in front of Jesse Ventura's California pad. You haven't hunted until you've hunted man. I'd vote for Jesse again...hell, I voted for Dukakis.

I went off the res for a while this morning

Let me out

One of the foremen is leaving to take a new job so we had the obligatory sheet cake and phony ass speech and then there's the bar part at Hoolihan's after work. I stayed at Hooligan's as long as could stomach those City Hall people who also showed up. One woman even used the word WHY to begin a fucking sentence with me. The nerve of some people.

Some days I see Al's point of view

F-ing roadies!!!!!

Have you ever considered that we may live on one of God's disposable planets?

Just once...

I stole this from my old buddy Love Chunks who knows a thing or two about roadies. Just once I'd like to get these guys I work with out on a bike ride. We'd do our own brand of paceline, rip some car doors off and create a level of civil disobedience that would make the NYC Critical Mass look like the May Day Parade.

NBC Nightly News reported that most of the water in the Beijing area has been diverted to the city for the Olympics leaving the rice paddies to be more of a dust bowl. Throw in some chewable air and as Mrs said just last night - 'Maybe they shouldn't have had the Olympics in China'.

T3, why won't Blogger let me put You Tube videos on my blog? Blogger also won't let me put spaces between the paragraphs. Get what you pay for.

It doesn't look like we'll be having the cyclocross race at Powderhorn this year. Neighborhood people complained to the Park Board which made the Park Board run like ninnies. On the positive side, I believe we'll get to race cross at the Velodrome again this year.

Happy Birthday Johnny Boy

This could be the suit I wear to your son's wedding.

She told me she only had one payment left

They smell fear like dog shit

Good morning, my name is Mr Danneker. You will address me as Mr Danneker...

I suggested Tuffy use this as his opening for his first day of school today and told him I was sorry I couldn't be there to introduce him to the little shits. I also told him to wear his best tie so the little savages couldn't fck with him about his wardrobe.

Breaking news

West Coast Bureau Chief Tuffy filed his weekly report which included this photo. Glad to see he's no longer running the truck stop circuit and will soon be educating California's youth.