And If You Do...

Jeez, if Hillary were elected president then Bill would be back in the White House. They better stock up on jelly donuts and french fries.

Wu didn't howl until 4 am today. She quit wu wu-ing quickly and played her mix cd of various showtunes at a window rattling volume. Fucking showtunes!! I coaxed Mrs into walking down to Collosal (sp?) Cafe but they were closed. The owner's going on vacation and probably needs a day or 2 to shave her legs. So we drove to Uptown Diner where I ordered the left side of the breakfast menu. Uptown Diner's cool at 6:30 am on a Sunday because there's usually some partyers feeding the animal from a night of revelry. Yeah baby, yeah.

Snowing right now. Better take the clown bike out for a little ride. Pictures on CNN tomorrow morning.

Bear down Chicago Bears.

In My Heart I Know That I'm Funny

Hurl birthday party last night was a resounding success. I bet you were born on a cold as fuck night just like last night, huh homey? Party was at Elsies with bowling as the main attraction. I didn't bowl. Good turnout. How's the head today, old bean?

Hiawatha ride made it to CRC and then hunkered down for a while. I rode the clown bike. Even got those studded tires up to 11 mph once. I'll probably need to leave at midnight in order to escort madame and make to the friendly confines of Richfield all before 7 am.

Ok Omaho. This be Bitch Kittie. This be Mistress Julie. This be Hot Pink Evil. You have some real potential. You're smart enough to have a really cool fucking pen pal.

New Shit Has Come To Light

Huge Cat 6 meeting last night where plans where secret plans were made for the coming racing season. More importantly we all were able to congratulate Little D in person on the birth of his son. The coming racing season should be great. I even plan to do a couple of cyclocross races. Naturally, I won't race in the standard Cat 6 jersey. I'm thinking more along the lines of a cardigan. Nothing cheap mind you. The superstar of the coffee world (B Rose) will be consulted on all style issues.

I picked Rollo up at Hiawatha last night on the way home from work and rode it to Town Hall for the meeting. Glad I didn't change the gearing cuz I had almost forgotten just how much fun those studded tires are to push around.

Alright, here's how it goes. I'll try my best to attend your birthday party. I stayed out well past my bed time last night and you know how tough that can be on a fella my age.

Reminder To Mrs - Husband's Birthday Is In April

Come Back Later - For Now Enjoy An Overhead Shot Of E, Her Dog and A Really Stylish Pair of Boots

You know, I really believe that those staged photos from Sears where some asshole photographer finally gets the kid to smile after 10 minutes of crying are all bullshit. This one actually reminds me of Enemy Of The State where Gene Hackman avoids looking up at the sky so satellite imagery can't recognize him.

Aah, The Man In The Black Pajamas, A Worthy Adversary

A rather balmy 5 degrees this morning in Minneapolis so you have no excuse for not riding your bike. On the other hand, I did talk Mrs into calling her co-worker for a ride just so I could stay in bed longer. Got up just in time to have a bowl of hot gruel (Malto Meal), coffee and walk Snowy. Ride in was uneventful. No crappie flopping or incidents with parked cars. Well bully for that...

If you really wanted to torture me you would force me to watch American Idol. Nothing against you if you watch it but I can handle Antiques Roadshow and I hate that too. Just not easily amused when it comes to television. Not like other people I know. Debbie, Debbie, Debbie - are you picking up on the sarcasm.

Skibby the cowboy, huh? As Johnny Carson would say, 'I did not know that'.

I just got hit up for Girl Scout cookies. Don't tell me how fucking good they are. I buy 'em cuz my co-worker's daughter is selling them and she's a great little girl who just happens to have the two most hyper people on the planet as parents.

Not crabby, not pissy today. Can't be crabby because my mommy put chocolate pudding in my lunch.

Sorry If This Makes You Girls Homesick For Milwaukee And Omaha

Don't Give Me Any Of That Ying And Yang Bullshit

Nowhere Near As Tough As Commuting To 34th And Lyndale From Bryn Mawr

Live From Minneapolis - The Manpri Capitol Of The World

Off today for the MLK holiday. I think I was sposed to work last night being that it snowed and we were going to ticket illegally parked cars. But hey, they called while I was already in bed last night so the hell with 'em.

No escort service today because Mrs was going out for dinner with co-workers and then to a thrift store that was having a big sale. I wouldn't want to come between her and some blouse cuz I think she might just kick some ass.

Rode a grueling 2 miles to CRC. That's just enough to stave off a winter pelt. After coffee and charming conversation I returned home to change clothes and meet The Phoenix for lunch and another grueling ride.

Playtime with E this afternoon was fun. She's a hoot.

Dinner on my own - Buttered noodles and M & M's

So, You Stole Cable and Removed The Tag Off Your Mattress And Are Now At Leavenworth Doing 20 To Life

Mrs has been dropped off at the grocery store. Don't worry, I'll rejoin her in time to make sure my grocery interests (Captain Crunch, M & M's, aerosol whip cream) are looked out for. Mostly, I'm a nuisance at the grocery store (just there?) and only get in the way.

Because I'm macho, I got up with Wu at 4 am...took her outside, fed her and returned to bed where I proceeded to have the strangest dream you could ever imagine.

Waffles for breakfast. Not the toaster kind you rotten %$#%^$#. Blueberry waffles without the usual visit by the fire department.

Bears play today. I'm hoping Rex completes more passes to his teammates than to Seattle. I'll watch as much of it as I can stand.

Bike ride with Madame after groceries. Where can I ride where one could get outstanding coffee, a fabulous cookie, a smokey treat and a sticker?

Thanks Wu, You Dirty Bitch

Since Wu got the family up at 3ish today I had no problem making the Hiawatha Cyclery ride. Mrs and I were at Colossal or Collosus Cafe or whatever the heck (see I used heck instead of fuck) at 6:15 for breakfast. Mrs was pretty GD crabby. I think it was because she didn't get back to sleep after the wu wu-ing ended. Maybe it's because she gets up and takes Wu out in front of the house and then feeds her. Hey, I need my beauty sleep.

Jim, Boone's Farm and I rode a grueling 6 miles to Cliquot Club which is down the street from Birchwood. Coffee and pastry, blah, blah, blah. Except there was a really cool kid there with his parents who were cool too. He was like a year and a half old and had high fiving down pat. Rode along the Greenway to Bryant and escorted Mr Hot Dish home. Finished the ride on the Parkway to a block or so of Boone's Farm's homestead. I had to make sure these big strong boys made it home. It's a jungle out there.

No, it's not cold out there. Well, maybe for my roadie buddies. You kids better ride your rollers and watch Lifetime.

Who's In Charge Here?

Remember (maybe 2 of you) when Reagan got shot and Al Haig proclaimed himself in charge. Well, our leaders of the Hiawatha Ride will be out of town Saturday so nobody will be in charge. Instead of staying in bed with a woman I'm going to ride my bike proving I'm just not all that smart.

Time- 7:45 am
Place- Hiawatha Cyclery, E 54th Street and 42nd Ave South
Ride route - How about if we ride in a circle at the video store across the street until it opens. Then go inside and rent porn. Come outside and ride away alone in different directions and never speak of it again.

Nice Hat Boy! Value City Or Maxwell Street?

Signed, Chilly In Minneapolis

It was kinda cold (7 or 8 degrees) and windy this morning. Why do I ride a bike in the winter? Why, thanks for asking:

1) No bugs - Nope, no clouds of insects to ride through. No mosquitoes to bite you when you stop. Don't have to worry about sunburn either.

2) It gives me something to do with the Mrs - Sure, reading poetry to each other and browsing the Ikea catalogue are fun but that only fills so much time.

3) Water in water bottle stays cold - All summer long you reach down for the water bottle and enjoy a swig of piss warm water. Yummy!

4) My black outfits are slimming - You bet your sweet ass they are.

5) I can eat like a condemned prisoner - Just ride a bike 23-25 miles a day and you too can have dessert with breakfast, lunch and dinner.

6) It re-assures E's mom that I'm a good babysitter for E - I'm a normally adjusted human being that just happens to think riding a bike in really cold weather and snowstorms is just shits and giggles. I'd watch your children too. Make sure there's something decent to eat in the fridge first.

7) I can stop and have a really good chocolate chip cookie (seriously, really fucking good), coffee and a smokey treat with Hemingway - Shit, it's just an honor to hear the man speak.

8) No cold car to drive - Think about it. Every single time you have to go to a party, wedding or other function in those cold-ass school clothes, it's colder than a mf. I passed 10 cars being warmed up this morning. Brrr, a shiver just went through me.

9) All the clothing covers my offensive tattoos - Mrs is laughing her ass off right now.

10) Hot chicks in parkas - Forget about tank tops, lycra or spandex. There's just a shitload of hot chicks everywhere in parkas. Can you say, sassy?

Well, know you have a partial list. Add anything you want, but as usual, don't fuck up the numbering system.

New Choices For Race Official's Shirts

Brett, Were There Any Hot Chicks On The Beach?

Hey Girl, How Were Your Hospital Flapjacks?

Olive, Remember To Stay Off The Couch

It's Diamonique Or It's Crap

Ink Blot Test? OK, I'll Take It

This is a smokey treat, more specifically a Chesterfield being enjoyed at 34th and Lyndale, but not at the exercise joint on the corner.
The shirt worn by cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation. Either that or a pork chop.
An $8 muffin from Birchwood
This one represents organization to me. Examples would be my desk at work or my lawn. Or Jim leading the Hiawatha Cyclery Saturday ride.
Debbie, how's that line go? Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

If Money Were No Object, I'd Get All Of Them

Kona Jake The Snake. Cross bike. Cool color.
On One 456. This one looks ready to go. I might even ride this one off-road one time.
Masi Coltello. Track frame. Would build it up for the street and not the track. No front brake? Oh well, can't have everything.
Surly Karate Monkey. What can Brown do for you?
Salsa El Mariachi. Picture (bootlegged off Salsa's web site) does not do this frame justice. It's a real beauty.

Sunday Dragger Ride. Mrs Only Pedalled Twice.

Happy meal at Uptown Diner. I also ate at Cleveland Wok Friday night and reset the egg roll record.
Calhoun Square in Uptown. All the bartenders/waitresses at Famous Dave's used to love Raymond.
Like you deserve an explanation for this one.
Picture postcard from Lake Calhoun. Wow! How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they've met Karl Hungus?
Downtown Linden Hills where deodorant is not optional when you take your children there for an outing. Oh, please, please, please take me to pottery class.
Who's the statue of? First genius with the right answer gets a 'Your Mom Is In My Top 8' sticker.
Ma about to eat lunch when her favorite son arrived.
Minnehaha Creek off the Bryant Avenue bridge.
Finally, a cup of coffee, chocolate chip cookie and a smokey treat at CRC.

I'll Eat Up All Your Crackers And Your Licorice

Shit, three days off goes fast. Walked E's dog tonight and am now using her mother's computer to post and surf porn. Stand down, no porn surfing cuz I forgot my credit card at home. I see the dog has made himself quite comfortable on the bed. I'll machine gun a handful of treats his way right before I leave so his high opinion of me will stay intact.

Rode Dragger today. Picture expose' will be posted tomorrow. Don't lose any sleep over these pictures because they're nothing too earth shattering.

I'm off to the kitchen to bring some comfort food to the dog and to forage for any type of item for me to snack on. Dinner was great but hell that was an hour and a half ago.

The Pride Of Racine, Wisconsin Saves My Ass!!

I slept through my dog's 3 am wu-wu-ing (her momma didn't) and woke up just in time to make the famed Hiawatha Cyclery Saturday morning ride. A large group splintered into an off-road group and a 'road' ride group. I didn't feel like falling down in the river bottoms so I accompanied the road group. As we left one of my big f-ing feet caught the fender and twisted it like a pretzel. Lucky for me, Jim aka Mr Flaky Pie Crust had his Leatherman with as would any Wisconsin boy worth a shit. Rob was able to eliminate the fender/tire rubbing. I'm going to be more mechanically inclined in my next life and less of a smart ass.

Rode along river/Greenway to CRC. B-Rose always informative and entertaining. Chocolate chip cookies were excellent. Didn't buy any stickers.

Clown bike now at Hiawatha for modifications. Studded tires, fenders and pedals which will hold up to my fat ass.

Walking E's dog for a couple of days as she'll be going to Chicago's biggest suburb (Milwaukee). Ha ha, huh Sam. The dog and I will be getting our hair done this afternoon and strip jointin' tonight.

I Guess I'll Just Break In When I Want To Visit Olive

Happy Birthday Jimmy Boy

Representin'

Yep, I sure am posting a lot of pictures of myself. No apologies either. I wanted to be the first kid on my block with a limited edition CRC jersey.

What Would Walter Do?

Working For The City Is Kinda Like Being On Team Zissou

Who am I shitting, we make Team Zissou look like a Swiss watch.

Mrs rode her 200 pound Diamondback with the studded tires to work yesterday. It hadn't been ridden since last March. Boy, does salt have an oxidizing effect on stuff. Monday afternoon I worked for an hour to de-rust the chain. One link was really sticky and didn't loosen up till I test rode it in the neighborhood. Hey, look at the big doof in the cut-off lounge pants on the too small bike. I figured if I couldn't break the chain screwing around in the alley, then she wouldn't be able to break it riding 4 miles to work. She stopped at Freewheel for a new chain after work.

The thaw/refreeze cycle makes riding a bike on the side streets a rugged affair. Parkway trails are also quite interesting to ride. But not my alley riding Madame's studded tire bike. I went out of my way to fall and didn't. I'm convinced that you fall doll because of your oh so petite size. When I rode studdeds my fat ass ground those mothers through the ice and part of the pavement. A little beef goes a long way where traction is involved.

Idjits Freezing Their Asses Off Water Skiing When They Could Be Freezing Their Asses Off Riding Bikes

Mrs Shoveled And I Lounged

Action photo from the back porch through the screen. I must say, the girl's got pretty good form.
Front walk shot through the front window. Best part was my neighbor and E's daddy both came by while she was laboring. I waved to everyone from the window.
T-shirt given to me by my brother Jim says 'My Mommy Says I'm Special'. I got a medal too.

Happy New Year - Try Something Greasy For That Bad Tummy

Mini-snowstorm yielded my satellite dish inoperable last night so bed time came really, really early. I guess I could've read a book but read only to get through college. Could've cleaned my room. Yeah, right. Going to bed was definitely the way to go.

Glad I wasn't able to watch my hometown heroes (Chicago Bears) get demolished by the Packers. Hmm, I have a Tim Couch jersey, a Trent Dilfer jersey...can a Rex Grossman be in the not too distant future?

Rode this morning with the Hiawatha crew down to Crosby Farms or Hidden Falls or whatever it's called. There were some folks water skiing on the river. I guess they do it every New Year's Day. I bet they think riding a bike in the winter is just plain stupid. Pictures of this ride and water skiing will be posted tomorrow. Ride made it's way to Melo-Glaze for sugar, grease and it's world famous coffee. Nice sized group and a good time. Even Mr Flaky Pie Crust made it.

The rest of the day will be filled with college football (sound turned down) and really loud music. Sounds like a plan. No New Year's resolutions here except to put in less time than last year on my lawn.

What do you think of that Jim W on off-the top-of-my-head-shit?

Me, Mrs And Some Stranger Walking By At The Ordway

The musical (White Christmas) was good. Dinner at Mancini's satisfied my intake of red meat for the month and today we're out running errands while the car's still running. Mrs has suggested we clean/organize my room today. We'll see.

Big time ride on New Year's Day starting at 10 am - Hiawatha Cyclery - 54th St and 42nd Ave So - It should be fun. Come on out. Don't worry, you can keep up even in a hungover state.

Aah, Back When Riding In The Winter Meant Something

A Warm Welcome To My Reader In San Luis Obispo

I keep writing this shit and it never gets any better. But you, at your desk with all the carry-out menus, neatly sharpened pencils and half-dead office plant...you waste your time reading it. Thanks anyway.

Road trip to the Department of Natural Resources in downtown Saint Paul this morning. I have to get my Tree City USA recertification in today so we get the all-important sticker for the plaque at City Hall. Route and food stops are now in the planning process.

I will be attending the musical White Christmas with Mrs tomorrow afternoon at the Ordway. You bet you're sweet ass I'm cultured. I have not chosen an outfit for the occasion but doubt it will include knickers, merino wool or a football jersey.

I felt somewhat cheated by the fact that I was ill'n over Christmas week. Therefore, I have eaten this week like a condemned prisoner. I have hit the cookie platters at City Hall with a vengeance and even proposed marriage to a woman who made some type of cereal, chocolate and m & m concoction.

If you happen to be at One on One Bike Studio just tell Gene-O that I said it's okay for you to pick up my Rollo bike. I just can't seem to make it down there. Maybe tonight. Maybe not.

Big New Year's plans will include a can of aerosol cheese, a screening of Doctor Detroit and staying up late (9 pm).

Yaaaaaaar! Thieving Bikers!!

Our mechanics are in a seperate building across the street. I stole a can of their free nuts they received from a vendor on Tuesday. The head mechanic was kinda pissed about it. When he arrived at work today this photo was waiting for him in his e-mail. I didn't steal anything today.

One Bourbon, One Scotch And One Beer

I don't miss being hungover. Some of y'all are going to be hungover during the holiday season. Which one of these is/was it:

1 Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy from any truck stop USA.

2 Star Hangover
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you can really handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of coke - yet haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your makeup on riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:
1 - the clock to strike 6 pm
2 - the entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays
3 - a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 Star Hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last bit of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely dont remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

God, I Miss That Dark Hair

This is the picture of me that appears with my profile on the City's intranet. It's from about 5 years ago. I think I rode 3200 miles that year.
Here I am last summer with two adorable little girls. I think the chair makes me look thinner.