Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Mean streets

We've had 5 cyclists hit by cars in the last couple of months which makes me wonder about our Twin Cities cycling culture (virus). If the Twin Cities are so great for cyclists then how fucked up is the rest of the country. We have a really good set of off street bike trails. Drivers here hate cyclists like everywhere else. Minnesotans drive a car because it gives them an opportunity to get pissed off.

Remember 2 thoughts I stole from someone when you're out in traffic on your little bike:

1) Assume drivers don't see you.

2) Assume drivers could care less about your safety

Ride safe. Wear your helmet. Make sure you have fresh batteries in your lights.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Stolen photos

Hello Monday

Remember the guy here who dreamed of straightening me out. I know...what bullshit. Well, he quit on Friday. His staff are all piss-their-pants-happy today.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Sometimes nuthin can be a real cool hand

Paul Newman died today. Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Verdict, Nobody's Fool...I've seen them all dozens of times. As a matter of fact I took the Pulaski bus to North Avenue and saw Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid at the Tiffin.

If your mom had turned your dad down like usual...

Friday, September 26, 2008

West Coast Bureau Chief Tuffy finally filed a report which included this picture. Nothing like a happy dog. America needs good teachers like Tuffy to straighten out our misguided youth.

Speaking of misguided youth I learned yesterday that the Utilities Supt. really wanted to supervise me under our re-organization when we moved to the new place. He did get Duane which had to count as something. I guess this guy would like to straighten me out. Good luck, employers have been trying to straighten me out for 30 years and they're starting to run out of time.

Off work today. Cross racing is in Duluth this weekend. I'm staying home to prepare for a double next weekend and visit Ma too.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

On your left punk ass bitch

Sometimes you gotta blow the doors off people on the bike path...give 'em one toot of the horn as you're flying by or see them coming behind you and give 'er hell. That's what really sucks about winter. You're out there by yourself with nobody to chase.

Don't worry about Rosenberg and his internet virus. One call to his wife and she'll take the computer away.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Bush is going to talk soon about just how your trillion dollars will be spent. We're gonna smoke 'em out of their holes. Wait, that was about something else. The only thing you need to know about this is that you'll call the forester 15 times about a dead branch in your neighbor's tree but won't do shit about a 12 billion dollar a month war or a trillion to bail out guys who give you 2% on your savings and lend it back to you at 8%.

After gas consumption...

we'll get into the numbers of your sex life. Vision loss and hearing problems? How about the ability to cut a hole in a window?


So, if Mrs and I use $40 worth of gasoline a month for the little bit of driving we do...then how much do you use if you drive to work. Not a trick question. I know the answer for Hurl and Snakecrotch is zero. Don't be afraid to comment. I won't try to sell you insurance. Smithers won't care because he's in Las Vegas at Interbike taking pictures of the parking garage and telling prostitutes 'My wife said no whores'.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

That 500 billion is like 100 bucks in real money

It sure is fun to argue with y'all in the comments section sometimes. Good luck. I will tell you I get paid to argue with people and I remember everything we've ever talked about and everything you've ever written about on your blog.

Driving to Saint Cloud this past weekend confirms just how bad y'all are at merging into traffic.

I missed my new commuters this morning. That rain won't melt you.

Like Bill Maher says, 'the next time I open a checking account at a bank I want a really nice fucking toaster'.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Happy Birthday Daniel

Our great nephew Daniel is one year old today. The City boys put on a little fireworks display to celebrate.

I'm going into The Matrix for a short time today

Some woman was heckling me to try harder. I told her to get her ass out here.
The Poofter and Timmy on the back 9. Shots of ketchup will knock out that cold, Timmy.

Wah is influencing me to bring back my soul patch.

Dag was grimacing as he came by...something about pool...well, not pool exactly...but definitely about balls.

Hard Dogger just looks like a bike racer to me.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I feel like I'm going to fall down if I look at this one long enough.
I think the Loon State guys should wear name tags.

On a clear day you can see Hans's and Franz's estates.

Without Stoker...Don is a mere mortal.
I see Dickey is still combing his hair with buttered toast. This may not be Dickey. I don't have my glasses on.
Crossniacs looked good, rode hard and lent Bush the 500 billion he's using to bail out the banking industry.

Like I keep telling you, when the dogs return from their alien planet (Planet Doggie Woggie) they'll be taking me back with them.

Porkchop Challenge

Photos courtesy of Jimmer

Master Cullen and I raced our bikes in Saint Cloud today. There were lesser knowns who raced and we'll get to their photos later. Thanks to Doom and his posse who put on an unbelievable race. Good course, good food and I was even allowed to stand in the vicinity of Daddy Mach and the St Cloud cool kids. Volunteers baby, they're the stars of bike racing. Oh, I almost forgot...congrats to Lynne who finished a gluten free beer in just under 2 hours.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

HC Saturday Morning

A spirited group showed for the HC Factory Ride with Cippolini in the role of coxswain. Mechanical issues and political discussions aside it was a very fun ride especially the coffee stop in Dinkytown. Lord, don't strike me blind right at this time.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The votes are in

It's comical to read the assorted crap roadies throw around about cyclocross. Never before has a group taken something so enjoyable as riding a bike and beaten it into the ground.

I really love baseball and the playoffs and World Series are coming soon. I texted some other wise guys about one of the "major awards" (including leg lamp) that will be given out at seasons end. I asked Tuffy, Mr Flood and Ermisch if the National League MVP will be Ryan Howard or Carlos Delgado.

Mr Flood threw out CC Sabathia as a smart ass. Ermisch still reeling from his 21st birthday celebration picked Albert Pujols which proves that Ermisch doesn't know shit. Tuffy went way out on a limb when he picked Tim Lincecum of the SF Giants. Very interesting Tuffy. Yes, his 17 wins are exactly 25% of his horseshit team's total. Without him, the Giants would be laughable.

I applaud Tuffy's pick but I think Ryan Howard with 46 home runs, 140 runs batted in, a .240 batting average and 200 strikeouts will slightly edge out another excellent season from Delgado.

Not interested in baseball. Well sporty, I sure don't give a shit what you think. Go away. Go to bed. Have a cream soda. Hang yourself in the shower. I never liked you anyway. Come on...you love it when I'm mean to you. You can pull that Minnesota Nice bullshit out and throw it back at me.

My boss told me...

it was too nice out to be in the office so I went out and layed my life on the line for Rosenberg and the other ingrates who live in Richfield. Is it layed or laid? Which one involves the good nightgown? Hurl, I really think you're the only one qualified to answer.

Everybody's going

I'm going to Saint Cloud Sunday for the Pork Chop Challenge. I'm going to ride my bike and eat some chili and ask Kyia Malkalenovichski where my Pimp Daddy faux fur hat is. And...I'm going to congratulate my friend Ben Doom and talk 2 minutes of politics with Mac Daddy. Cyclocross in Minnesota starts this weekend! Bully!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I just called to say I love you

The City had a contractor lay new storm sewer at 73rd and 1st as part of a pretty big project. There's a weekly meeting with our Utilities Department, Engineering Department and all the contractors. Some trees needed to be cut down. The trees will be replaced. They called Duane during the meeting yesterday to get my cell phone number. He gave them my PERSONAL cell phone number. They got my voicemail. My voicemail message is: Hi, it's Ray, I see you figured out how to dial a telephone.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Easy Al, I hate those right wing motherfuckers too.

I'll serve your ass like John McEnroe.
If your girl steps up I'm smackin' the ho.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hi there

My boss says I don't have to attend the Community Services Commission meeting tonight. He didn't give a reason but I have a few:

1) He's afraid I'll adjust Commissioner Rodney's tie

2) I'll show up pantsless

3) I'll light the conference room table on fire

4) I'll sit there muttering nonsense in pig Latin

5) He knows I'd miss Fringe

6) Snowy, Kiah and I will put on our version of Rent. I'm a man. I made it through Rent.

7) I'll play one of Snakecrotch's hard hitting interviews on Sioux Falls, SD's only tv station.

8) I'll bring Rosenberg

9) I'll come as Carmen Miranda

10) ?????????????????

Monday, September 15, 2008

Happy Monday

Big Z's no-hitter has put a little cheer in to Monday morning.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Happy Sunday

Ride your bike or not. Don't waste too much time on yard work. On second thought waste a lot of time on yard work because the world must be balanced for my lazy ass.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Went to see Righteous Kill, had a pizza and stopped to see Ma. The old bag who owns Ma's place would have a chicken if she saw this picture.
Mrs turned on the tv when we got up this morning just to see reporters standing out in Hurricane Ike. She really gets a kick out of that.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Shit, you bring a MF 5 bald tires and coffee and he still bellyaches. Just kidding boy. Next time we'll go see that reprobate Pakistani for some of his good cheer.

I think I have more FUN riding a bicycle than most of you roadies.

Trench, any time is good to thank me for ramming that removal down that school's throat and dealing with Father Schmucky.

Till you come back to me...

Mrs was off sick for 2 days so I drove her to work this morning ...in my jammies.

Many of my new commuters need to stop at a bike shop and get some lights.

I pissed a woman off so bad this week that she walked away from me. One of our guy's mother lives on the same block and says previously mentioned woman is a biotch.

It's hard to go against the grain these days with y'all so firmly entrenched in the matrix. Don't go outside the 9 dots...don't ever go inside them.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Are we safer today than pre-911? I sure hope the answer is yes. I would hope those 4000 soldiers killed in Iraq and Afganistan died for something. Advancements in medical technology mean more badly wounded soldiers survive as amputees. Not to mention their emotional scars. Take a moment today to TELL the people in your inner circle you love them.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Just for Trench

Tree marked. School is going to have my contractor remove the tree. I dealt with the school administrator and not the janitor this time. I introduced myself as the City Forester and some smart ass priest asked how many forests there are in Richfield. I don't think God would've minded if I had given Father Milton Berle a wedgie. I told him he needs a drummer for rim shots.

Found in a Richfield alley

That's gonna leave a mark

I returned to work for some reason today even though I couldn't find my tennis racket last night. It's a classic wooden racket that I used extensively when I took tennis in college. I remember a kid in class getting hit in his package during "volleying" practice close to the net. He doubled over in pain and our teacher asked what was up. I said 'Jeff just got hit in a personal area and the marriage nuptials are suddenly in doubt'. Jeff was getting married on the following Saturday.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Consider today a victory

I'm going to have Big Dave lead us up to the line and then I'll take over.

No work for Mrs and I today. Mrs isn't feeling too well. I told my boss today was cancelled due to a lack of interest.

What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Actually, a pit bull can't make Pop Tarts or start the microwave but I'm sure they can rack up serious minutes on their cell phones, too.

Put your mouth guards in Cub fans. We're in for a rough ride.

Lizzie, your Auntie and I are hooked on Mexican pastries.

A lot of the people I spoke to at work (besides my co-workers) seemed like they should've been institutionalized. I'm sure they said the same thing about me.

It's hard to work with conservatives when you're me. Less government is a pipe dream. Our legislators don't have a clue about what's going on at street level.

Today's goal for Mrs and I will be to sign our tax return and mail it in. Then, I think they'll send us our $1200.

I ran into one of my sponsors (Eric from Banjo Brothers) who told me there are liberals in Minnesota. Where?

I dreamt of passing a bike with cobalt blue tires that were actually silver when I looked down the block.

Do you think you could survive out on the street as homeless?

Monday, September 08, 2008

He's no candy striper

The gun toting nurse hit the nail on the head with this article. Bolstad and I prefer the company of dogs to most people.

I'm sorry, Tom

This is Tom Brady. I drafted him with my first pick in our fantasy football league at work. He played one quarter yesterday and then tore his ACL. I've been playing fantasy football for 14 years or so. Great players have a habit of getting injured or having off years when they're on my roster. Big Daddy always gives me shit about this fact. This morning will be no different.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I'm off to a secret location

The boys on the Cat 6 message board were discussing today's regularly scheduled training ride and how rain might impact their decision to ride. T3 replied with 'Pfffft, roadies'. See, we've got candyass roadies just like some of you on Cat 6. Not you, Morgan. You're legendary.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Yeah, I get Family Circle...what's it to you

I may be blogging now but I can hear the US Open on in the living room. That's a tennis tournament for some of you backward mugs. It's Nadal vs Murray.

The on-air personality on The Jewelry Channel, USA can only be described as slutty. If you're related to her I'm sorry but your sister/cousin/step-sister/nanny is a freak.

Mr Crosby (County Cycles) sold me the pedals pictured above for my cross bike. There was a time this week when the act of clipping out was quite painful and hitting bumps wasn't much better. I consulted the cool kids about the tires and bought this lash up from Alfred E Bike as recommended by The Lantern.

ET, phone home.

Rosenberg's out driving around with my lawnmower in the back of his mini-van like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. If you see him, buy him a cup of coffee and tell him everything will be ok once we start chasing the Crack on the cross course. Yeah baby, cross in 2 weeks.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Fun starts with the Rosenberg boys

Speaking of paperwork...I better pay those late garbage bills. There's a 39 dollar late fee on one. I just cross off the late fee. I tell them I'll re-bid the contract if they hassle me about the bills. Tony Soprano would be so proud.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Time for Saint Paul to fold up the sidewalks

Well Saint Paul, you're 15 minutes are almost over. You can go back to being Kenosha on the Mississippi. Wait, Kenosha at least has Lake Michigan.

Jim W, is that you that I've passed the last 2 days? Today you were wearing a yellow shirt from the Ward Cleaver collection.

You would think that you could find 42nd and 20th from 66th and Penn without resorting to f-ing Google Maps.

I'm saving up for one of these

It's hard to work with rednecks. Security at the Republican Convention is a direct result of 9/11. 9/11 is the scapegoat for loads of extra government intervention. Not the outlaw forester. These are my opinions. What's this got to do with the Hanley Ramirez jersey? What's anything got to do with anything?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008