Listen up suckas

Since some of y'all are so into numbers.

Miles ridden OUTSIDE in January: 417
Trainer miles: Zero

400 miles is nuthin. 3 of the last 4 years I rode 600 in January.

Come on in for the big win

When zero feels almost balmy then you know your effed up. I've been driving Mrs to work and parking the car and riding to work. I'll drive the car here on Bike To Work Day.

My boss took me on a tour of our new maintenance facility yesterday. Some of you may pass it at 66th and Cedar. It's on the SE corner sort of. What strikes you about the place is the massive area where the trucks will be parked. Can't wait for the Magna Drags.

Carla, how about being the official guest blogger. They'll love you and leave comments about how much better you are than me and how I should quit quit blogging. There's nothing here to mess up. This stuff writes itself.

I need to get Mrs out on the Dragger. Even if it's just to Melo Glaze and back.

'Man Geared'? Hurl, Is that like jumbo shrimp or military intelligence?

Well Snakecrotch, here's the toilet tank cover. It was 14 below this morning and I would have taken the bus but I would have needed to leave the house at 1 am. That thing on my head may look goofy but all vanity goes out the window when it's this cold. I'm crazy, but not because I ride a bike in this weather. Hell, I'd walk here but it's 7 miles and I'd need to leave by 5 am.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Is Better

I hope this makes you bellyachers happy

When Johnny Comes Marching Home

Word came yesterday via e-mail from Bolstad in Iraq. That really made my day. He actually likes being over there. It's good to know he's ok. It's good to be able to communicate with him on the computer. I think he even reads this occasionally. Boy, you're still an asshole.

I am not a role model

Hey Santa, Can I Bum One?

The grocery store fell through so I'm out of creamer for my coffee which has forced me to use aerosol whip cream instead. A full assault on the grocery store is planned for after work.

Back to counting elm trees today. It's not hard but it is pretty boring. My boss offered to come with as my wheel man. I told him I'd beat him to death after the first time he fidgeted with the visor or the heater.

I'm really hoping that it doesn't rain. Rain and a severe drop in temperature is a bad combination.

Craig's List Score

Actually, that Wah guy in North Carolina or wherever the hell he's living had a link to the Kodak bike team's disbursement of stuff because they ran out of Nair for their legs which pissed them off and they quit. It doesn't matter how fast you'd be on this thing. As Will Smith said in Men In Black...'the difference between me and you is I make this shit look good'. Case dismissed.

Is that rug from the Ming Dynasty?

No, these aren't my wheels...plastic and potholes aren't a good combination.

Roadie Alert

Snowy girl is pretty much setting the trend for the day and since Julia loves dogs I'll give her another photo of the princess.

It's a really nice day and you should get outside.

Mrs and I have been up, read the paper, made pancakes and gone back to bed for a 2 hour nap.

I may, might, probably accompany Mrs to the grocery store later for good things to eat.

It's too nice for me to go ride my bike or go for a walk...I prefer to walk down to Lake Nokomis on a 15 below morning to watch Shame On Ice play pond hockey.

The HC Ride Welcomes Snakepants Home

Short ride and longer coffee time was perfect. We were somewhere in Saint Paul. Oh, that Saint Paul is so quaint.
Like I care that this one's little dark
Did Freewheel make Boris walk the plank? Wow, what a trio. With guys like these we should be able to get more chicks on the ride.

Miller is the spittin' image of my brother-in-law

Wide load comin' thru!!!!

'I'm Not A Llama And I Don't Give A Shit That Snakecrotch Is Coming, Either'

Love your llama

Alert the media...I've changed the pedals from clipless to platform on my main commuter bike. The freewheel has also been changed from a 16 to an 18 with the same 42 and 50 up front. Now I can wear those wing tips occasionally on special rides.

Mrs says she dreamt Snowy turned into a llama and a not too friendly one at that. Snowy was pissed that she could no longer be in the house. Who wants a llama on the couch?

Snakecrotch is coming back to town this weekend. Who really gives a shit?

I still hit the Smithers link on the sidebar hoping love chunks has gotten back in the game.

I count trees...therefore, I am

I rode black Crosscheck this morning instead of studded clown bike and it was a lot easier pedalling even though I had my Columbia winter boots on and clipless pedals on the bike. Wasn't too cold...hell, it's only 7 miles.

My boss's boss doesn't believe our estimate of how many elm trees are left so the old village forester is driving the whole town counting trees. I'm writing down each address and guesstimating the size or is it the other way around. The forester from the early 80's did an inventory but his pencil written report doesn't contain what year he did the survey. He works for the City of Minneapolis these days and I could call him, but then I'd have to talk to him.

Still looking for a qualified guest blogger. It's not that hard and there's nothing you can screw up.

Signify by saying aay...aight

I know a little chill goes through some of you (Kristy, Lynne, Poofter) to think I'm going to put all those clothes on and ride the 7 miles home. I sent my cousin in Arizona an e-mail yesterday that said 'it's 2 below and I rode my bike to work'. He responded with 'it's 65 here and I wore a coat'. Don't worry, my mommy will have hot cocoa waiting for me.

A tree's not dead till the forester says so!

This one's dead.

I put air in the studded tires of the clown bike and yesterday's ride home was a little better than the morning ride in when I thought death was right around the corner. I don't ride flat tires unless I have to.

Mercifully, The Nanny Diaries from the video store died last night about an hour through it. I'll outline why I would make a damn good nanny in a future post.

Some of the roadies are getting cabin fever because they can't ride outside. You can only watch so much Murder, She Wrote, while riding your trainer. It's casual, train all you want to...most of you can only hope for a mid-pack finish in most of the races you do. Put on some clothes and ride around the block. It will do wonders for your libido.

Back to work

Five days off was grand. Took Mrs to Unique Thrift Store's 50% off MLK Day Sale and she was just wicky whack about the situation. Ran into a kid (21 now) I did treatment with and as is always the case we asked each other about our current sobriety. Actually, he was a huge pothead. He said he's using a 'little' but that his life is in a better place than when he was in treatment. A large percentage of us who go to treatment eventually relapse. That's why they call it an addiction, buttercup.

Duane is off suicide watch because of the Packers. I think we can give him his shoe laces back.

It could be time to ride a little more and eat a little less. Don't want to rush into anything.

Who knows?

I'm not sure if this is what we're going with. It doesn't matter because they're all clown suits, right G? It's not like you'll be wearing an authentic San Diego Chargers jersey.

For Lalla

Don't forget the sunblock

I thought I told you to get off your ass and go outside for a non-motorized activity like a short bike ride or a walk or some other nonsense. I wasn't kidding. Me and my very warm parka will be walking the mile and a half down to Lake Nokomis to watch people and old guys play hockey inbetween the smoke breaks. I'll try hard to get a photo of one of the smoke breaks.

I'm going to feel sick if I eat the rest of this donut...

Photo stolen from 3 speed blogger. 15 below zero calls for the toilet tank cover.

...so says our Commander-in-chief as he was taking another bite from his apple fritter. Hiawatha Ride was one of those short hops to Melo-Glaze for donuts, coffee and entertainment by Rob's kids who showed up about 9.

Jim says either the bottom bracket or freewheel on my 1 x 1 gets cold grease (technical bike term) and makes it harder to pedal. Beats the shit out of me, I just ride 'em.

Made a stop at the Pond Hockey extravaganza at Lake Nokomis and bs'ed with some guys from New York after their game. I drew them out of their shell by asking them if they were playing in an old guys division. The hockey is forgettable but the people watching is first rate.

Stay warm but go outside for a while in a non-automobile related activity.

Pictures from my walk

I didn't feel like putting on the necessary clothes for biking so I walked to CRC. It's about 3 miles which is further than I've walked since we went to the State Fair last year. Mural above is at 41st and Cedar.

Have lived in the neighborhood for 17 years and have never been inside the bowling alley at 41st and Bloomington. Not today either.

Park at 40th and Chicago was cool because of all the footprints.

40th and Portland...I'm sure he doesn't lose it in a parking lot.

Not happy times for our economy.

40th and 4th...picture doesn't accurately portray how the shadows and sun came together.

38th and Grand...just kinda looked different to me.

Bloodclot Racing's chief nemesis and I hung out. Didn't walk to Hollywood's place.

Hollywood's a bit unglued after Rosenberg's surprise visit.

The profile of our hero who learned a valuable lesson about following my directions when out in the suburbs.

Fridays

GQ says grey is the new black

The Legend

Take a close look because she rode a bicycle 8 miles OUTSIDE today which is farther than 90% of all MCF members.

Black Dog Tonight!!

Some of my HC buddies are gearing up their "training" to do some races at Black Dog. I think it's awesome. For me the race usually goes like this.

The official counts down the last five seconds and you take off. First you pass some guys fishing and occasionally there's a car to dodge but not too often.

About eight tenths of a mile into the proceedings I usually ask myself why am I doing this shit. You come up to the power plant and it's always windier than hell and from this point I start asking where's that GD cone in the road so I can turn around.

You hit the cone and make a turn and then immediately see how far the people who started behind you are to passing you. It's at the turn where you slow down enough for your heart and lungs to remind you of just what you're doing.

Somewhere between the turn and the power plant I want to quit and pedal in slowly like I'm riding with Mrs to Dairy Queen. But, I don't quit, I pass the power plant and dig back in.

Then you pass other people waiting for their start time and some of them will yell for you and you're rejuvenated for at least 50 feet. You reach the Cedar Avenue bridge and hopefully there won't be some guy stopped in the middle of the road with a boat/trailer like I encountered once.

The last 200 yard is ever so slightly uphill. Somebody please shoot me. I could be in my chair watching baseball with Snowy at my side. Two feet past the finish line I let it all out and the paramedics revive me. You ride back to the parking lot and kibbutz with the group and wait for the times to be posted. And you look forward to improving your time in two weeks.

Time trialling is awesome. Real bike racing. All the cool kids do it.

Jeez, that City Forester is a bit of a radical

T3, I had even less punch than yesterday. By the time I arrived at work I think I could've walked the bike faster. I think I'm going back to platform pedals on everything for winter. I like the feeling of being able to get the landing gear down when necessary. My winter biking shoes can be worn for late season cross races ala Johnny Unitas.



Balaclavas off to Mrs who rode her bike to work today in spite of the 4 below zero temperature. She had layers on top of layers and as always was just so GD cute. You can tell when it's really cold because Snowy cuts down the lallygagging out in front of the house to a bare minimum.



I have to meet some shiny-shooed engineer at a park today to talk about tree removal concerning a storm sewer project. Like fashion models those people have a skewed view of life in the real world. When the forester speaks, just act as if the words are coming from a burning bush.

Gimme back my NFL

The NFL has worked their ass off to sterilize the game. Take me back to the days before opposing teams started hugging after the game.

"Where the fck is Cheney with that shotgun?"

All systems are go

Kruse stopped by yesterday and showed me a few simple items about the computer and Mrs i-pod and now the damn thing works. Now all we have to do is load it up with chick music and she'll be good to go.

Jessica Simpson has dumped Tony Romo for me. Oh wait, I'm married.

Wisconsin's slovenly drunken hoards which includes just about all of them are all geeked up because the Packers will be hosting the NFC championship game.

I stopped Friday after work to talk to my two favorite firemen and could've stayed for hours. I really love you two.

Parts of this morning's commute were just not all that much fun.

Day 1 - Training Journal

You're gonna go blind

So, you took time out from surfing porn on a Saturday night to come here. Good for you. If you're on the west coast it's only 10:30 right now so as we say in Chicago...it's the shank of the evening. I don't know about you but I'm hungry. I bet there's some carrots in the fridge.

Beware Of Bloodclot...we get after it

Go Pack Go??

Hiawatha Ride with Lord Snakebike was smashing. We rode to Birchwood then split off from the group for stops at Freewheel and CRC. I escorted him back to the doorstep of downtown and rode 31 miles in all. It is now time to hunker down in my chair for some pro football. Packer fans in Wisconsin are already half in the bag which is just about right.

Enter the ninja

We tease him a lot cuz we got him on the spot...welcome back.

File footage of our hero Snakecrotch taken at O'hare.

Guess who's coming to dinner? Why it's our old buddy Snakeysnakeysnakecrotch who has rented a Yugo and will be on the road just as soon as he's done ironing his socks. But, what about the ping pong tournament back in SoDak? Who's gonna run that?

All my women friends are agog over this development as are the male wait staff at Figlio.

What's our boy going to do while in Minneapolis? He's going to find a climbing wall to...to...climb, I guess.

Snakecrotch action figure now on sale at Hiawatha Cyclery. Google maps sold separately.

ever since I was a lower case g

Mrs remarked that she will never:

Go ice fishing
Run
Climb shit...rocks, mountains, ice cliffs


That's cool because I don't plan on:

Going on a cruise
going hunting
cleaning my room...any time soon

Tuffy, today I'm THAT guy

Yes Tuffy, today I am indeed THAT GUY. I took today off. Didn't call in sick. I told them Monday that I wouldn't be in on Wednesday. Who's THAT GUY? He's the guy who lives in a warm weather climate and leaves comments on your blog about how he had to use his arm warmers because it was a chilly 55 degrees this morning. I'm off. You're working. Today, I'm THAT GUY.

Once more with feeling. This is what winter looks like. Filthy piles of snow and icy alleys. If you can't run outside and take a picture like this, then it's not really winter where you live. This is the winter landscape that make snow lovers all warm inside.

And this is what makes me all warm inside...a photo of my peeling paint.

Bad children of the world unite

Duane's daughters got busted when the 19 year old called in at school for the 16 year old so she could skip school. Problem is, the 19 year old's voice is that of an 8 year old. 16 year old got her driver's license yesterday. Driving privileges suspended today.

My boss gave me my performance review. The key terminology is - 'People tell me Ray is terrible at returning phone calls'. Not when it's Rosenberg.

Why just yesterday I had a green tea latte

For You MORC Guys...I'm a bit of an off road legend

A second job is easier when it coincides with your first job

Black guys help the white guys

File footage of my riding partner

Mrs rode her bike to work this morning and I provided a heavily armed escort. She just so damn cute when she rides her bike that I can't understand why some asshole flipped her the bird yesterday when she was riding by herself. I wish I could find the guy and torture him by forcing him to watch The View.

Missed both ends of the Loon State Sunday Ride but made the coffee part of it which is the most important thing.

I'll soon be starting a support group for those distraught folks who were regular commenter's on Smither's blog. Now that Smithers has hung up his jock these people are wandering the internet looking for someplace to comment. Why would love chunks abandon these people? As Nancy Kerrigan once said 'why, why why?'.

The boys on the HC Ride got into some really smart-guy-talk about creation or some shit so I did like their wives would do...I nodded, said yeah, and walked away. You can say all you want to about Skibby and the Red Lantern but you never have to talk about anything intelligent with them.