Thursday, May 31, 2007

You Can Borrow My Fender If You Like

Black Dog last night was fun. It was hard but fun. I arrived early because I knew I'd need to fill out the additional paperwork for a license and put the front wheel back on my Salsa. That's right KM, I took the wheel off and put it back on and it didn't fall off during the race. Last minute instructions from Skibby were to find a gear I was comfortable with and go fast. I offered my clip-on fender to a couple of the roadies who didn't have a bug up their ass and they politely declined. I was the only racer with a bell and a personalized license plate. Suckas!!

I took off from the start pretty fast and glanced at the computer and saw 25 mph which I thought would be a little too steep for 7 miles. So, I settled in at 21 mph which I held for about a mile and a half and by the time I hit the turnaround I was feeling kind of spent. Wonderful, 3 and half miles to go and I'm ready to lay down next to my dish. So I plugged away and somehow found some more may have been the thought of Benita catching me on their Princess Dragger because they started right after me. You finish past the starting line about a half mile which seems like 40 miles and then your legs and your lungs send you a message that you blow for putting them through this shit. It rained throughout and I might have been faster if I didn't splash through all the puddles even if it meant going on the other side of the road to hit them.

My time for the 7ish miles was 20:44 which put my average around 20 mph. Jordan put up a 19:32 and Kristy didn't race...something about a bad hair day or some shit. My Cat 6 teammate Trench did a 17 and change I believe. Good job Trench.

Thanks for the socks and t-shirt, Doom. I'm absolutely positive the socks cut my time by at least 2 minutes.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Look Who Went To The Tony Robbins Seminar

Tuffy, stop grinding your teeth.

Wait A Minute

Nurse calls paramedics to take Ma to Methodist. Ma figures out that another hospital stay is coming. Ma finds the energy to get out of bed. No hospital for the time being. Oh, she's a feisty old girl. Cancel the three ring circus.

Black Dog Tonight

I'm doing the Black Dog time trial this evening and will bring a calendar so I can be timed. I just want to stay within 5 minutes of Kristy and Jordan. It's 7 miles against the clock. I plan on stripping the horns, chainguard and fenders off the clown bike to lighten it somewhat.
Kristy did a 19:30 two weeks ago at the Dog. I'm hoping she's too lovestruck from her recent engagement to Hollywood to be completely on her game. I may have to chat with her before her race to pollute her mind with thoughts of puppy dogs and shit like that.
Jordan rolled a 19:25 last time out and my only shot against him is that he stayed up too late listening to his Ipod or playing video games. Hopefully he mowed the lawn at his house which would be enough to bring Lance Armstrong to his knees. No shame in getting my doors blown off by Loon State's prodigy who will some day win the Tour Day France.
Late word has come in from one of my informants at Interpol that Benita Warns will also be racing. Benita was part of a Princess Dragger team that put up a 21:12 two weeks ago. Oh shit, now the pressure is on.

Just received a call from the nurse at Ma's assisted living. Ma's not doing good and is going to be taken to Methodist Hospital. Riding a bike isn't so important right now. Mother comes first.

I'll Mow When You Can't See The Bike

Ooh, my house is all dark in the background. Luckily, our little love shack is protected by two large dogs...large dogs that would get in any open car door and leave...or follow any fuckstick with a pork chop to the ends of the earth.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Memorial Day

Don't forget what today is all about.

Breakfast ride and out to Ma's for wheelchair madness.

Zito fundraiser was great. Stayed out past my bedtime. Pictures of Zito function, ride home and my unmowed lawn coming tomorrow.

Let's not dick around...let's make the HC Midnight Ride For Slackards And Soccer Mom Cell Phone Bills happen.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

You Kids Crack Me Up

More search term fun from our stats department in Kenosha, Wisconsin:

fuckerhead: Bolstad (Army boy) and I call each other fuckerhead all the time so maybe the boy took time out from his medic duties in Iraq to do some blog reading. Remember boy, that shit's not chicken.

bigboobed women in Nebraska: C3PO, I know this was you. When you find 'em...e-mail me the pictures.

beer and lunesta: I always preferred Crown Royal with my sleeping pills in what I call a Judy Garland style but if you'd rather wash your drugs down with beer then more power to you.

samoyed biking: Snowy is a golden retriever/ samoyed mix if that counts for anything. She's kinda lazy and prefers to ride her scooter. We need to keep the crazy little shit off the sidewalks because the lawsuits are starting to pile up.

ticket for pulling a fire alarm: I'll have to consult Ma's cohorts for this one but I don't imagine the cops prosecute 80 year old women. I think the cops just revoke their tv privileges. NO AMERICAN IDOL FOR YOU, EDITH.

what to wear to a walgreens skill test: Wear whatever you please but by all means bring your shitty attitude with you. I'm always available for last minute counseling.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I Rode With A Former NBA Player Today

This is Bob Martin who played for the Gophers and then for the LA Clippers. Bob is 7 feet tall and a realtor but assures me that he's unbelievably coordinated and does a way better cha cha than Clyde Drexler. So visit Bob's web page for your realty needs or call him if you need a ringer for your hoops game with the other slapdicks from your office.
This is Bob's dog Zach. Zach recently sold 5 houses himself and gave Bob a small cut of the commission. What a nice doggie.

Please sell your house through Bob so he can get a bigger bike.

Happy Girl And Her Monte Cristo

Late lunch at Bennigans. Mrs picking up socks for Ma at Kohl's...she must be re-selling the socks for cigarette money cuz we've bought her 100 pair. Blah blah blah...Own up to mowing your lawn today.

I'll Lend You The Ten Bucks Let's Say At A 25% Interest Rate

I like Zito. He's a good guy. My neighbors are happy I'm not still drinking and that Zito's not supplying me with firecrackers any more.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Black Hole Sun Won't You Come Wash Away The Rain

My little alien is a problem solver. Is your dog the kind that has food in their bowl all day and picks at it? Mine aren't.

No track racing last night due to rain. Was looking forward to it. Went to dinner at Muffletta (Cullen, spelling) in Saint Paul instead. That's right KM, SAINT PAUL. It was a pretty swanky joint with more than one fork. Knocked over the little pitcher of cream within minutes of it being placed on the table. Good food and conversation with Mrs. Eating out is cheap without the $50 bar bill tagged on.

Didn't return any of some woman's 100 phone calls about her neighbor's dying oak last summer so now a return trip to HR is probably in order. No worries. I'll be taking the door man at Shiek's with as my legal representative.

No word from Bolstad in Iraq yet. I got up for a drink of water last night and thought about him. I hope he writes soon.

Hiawatha Cyclery Ride in the morning should be fun for the people who don't go to a cabin to yell at kids at a cabin somewhere.

Ride your bike. Hey, has anyone seen the Dragger? Shit, I think I lent it to someone. Oh well, it'll turn up.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

You Guys Are Too Dangerous To Race At Opus

Stolen with wanton disregard from Smithers moments after he posted it.

Just For Stacey And KM

Slick, Is This You?

Slick, I'm pretty sure your mom wouldn't approve of you looking at this shit. Still in Saint Cloud? Say hi to Doom for me.


Poached from Skinniski is this photo of the lovely Mrs along with Tuffy and Joe Dubay. I'm struggling with a comment/caption. I bet you aren't. Take a shot in the comments section. I will say it looks like Dubay brought his pet tarantula along for good luck.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Nothing Like A Jogger Starting A Snowblower


Kid in yellow is on the phone with his mom asking if he can stay out after the street lights come on.

Drew going like hell.

Danno Barrett giving everything she's got.
A for real bike racer
Buzz's dog is very friendly. Here's a little insight about the pretend forester. When he arrives at your house to look at your tree, he will pet your friendly dog and not really give a shit about anything you have to say.

Tyler enjoying one of Brett's delicious cookies. Cat 6 Cookie Night went well. A huge thanks goes to Buzz for picking up the milk and cups.
Kruse and Little Guy? Whatever.
Super Rookie discussing the non-existent Tuesday edition of the Power Ranking that will have Mr Crosby as the top rider at the track.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Weeeeeeeeeeeee Doggy Or Something Like That

For KM

Frank Cannon...Back When The Superhero Could Shoot Ya Or Beat The Piss Out Of You With A Dozen Donuts

They Didn't Have Season 1 Of The Bachelor

Opus tonight. Last one I think. Meeting Monte (far left) at the Baker's Square parking lot on the Greenway at 5ish tonight. Cat 6 Cookie Night seems to be coming together.

So, where the hell are the new Power Rankings that were supposed to be released last night?

Some recumbent guy (no beard) yelled Heads Up at me on the Greenway this morning. Remember, the bike goes where your head is pointed so when I'm looking straight ahead and in my own lane...that's usually where the bike will go. Recumbent guys derby campaign is in the planning stages.

Last tree could be planted today. It went better than it usually does which means we didn't hit any fiber optic cables or homeowner irrigation lines. Better luck next year.

If I started a racing team I'd recruit Skibby, Red Lantern, Cullen , Jordan, Hollywood, Timmer, Hurl, Donimator, Dave Gray, Smithers, Tainter and that musclebound kid from Loon State. I wouldn't have to recruit Ma or Mrs.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Action Kierin Shots

The crappybara has some good shots from Saturday nights Kierin. Check 'em out and if the link doesn't work or he's posted 20 other items, then tough fuck...this isn't the Wall Street Journal. I'm doing the best that I can and all I'd like is a little recognition from you bastards.

My Hello Velo Pictures - No Ass Shots

Little D and his son Ben. Boy's night out.

This is Carlo. I entertained him during the Cat 1/2/3 80 lap points race so his mother could help officiate the race.