Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Alien Invasion Is Upon Us

I Think I Lost Myself When I Lost My Motivation

I interviewed myself on my way to work and since you're sick of the Stupor Bowl shit and everything else, let's see if I can really bore the shit out of you:

Q: When is cold really cold?
A: Anything below 10 degrees

Q: What do you think of Smither's haircut?
A: I think it's GQ as fuck. If my hair wasn't so GD gray I'd have the same coiffure.

Q: Do you think you're a bad ass because you ride a bike in the winter?
A: No, I think I'm a bad ass because I haul Mrs around on the Princess Dragger every Sunday all summer.

Q: Who is Snakebite?
A: A highly educated, super organized, new Surly owner and a homie from South Dakota.

Q: Any words on Ma?
A: Yeah, don't fuck with her or she'll hit you between the eyes with her ninja throwing star.

Q: Are you happy right now?
A: No, because B-Rose is at CRC at this moment cleaning a fucking 17 tooth cog in my coffee mug.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Mrs Stole The Toilet Tank Cover When We Visited Ma On Saturday

Get a chick that you can make laugh at 5:40 in the morning and you'll be set. She was laughing because I repeated something witty Snakebite told me. Wait, that can't be right. Oh yeah, it was Hurl who made a funny.

Looking at the weather forecast it sure looks like a just Jim Fucking Dandy day for Stupor Bowl. High of 5 degrees. Don't pay attention to that windchill bullshit. It'll just make you colder. I'm glad I'll only be riding a bike to get to my volunteer spot and to the afterparty.

Note to Chicago family: Get my beloved sister-in-law off my ass. I've bought her a present. An alarm clock so she's up in time to pick me up at the airport.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

Now this morning would definitely fall under the balmy category. About 10 degrees with light winds a fresh dusting of snow. I rode in Bermuda shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt from One Less Car that says Pedal Your Ass Off on the front. No hat or gloves were necessary.

Yesterday, on the other hand, was way f-ing cold. At least I thought it was. But, I braved the cold and rode a bewildering 19 miles with an extended stop at CRC for witty banter. I now have my own cup at CRC which you can use unless B-Rose is using it to clean a chain or something like that.

Stupor Bowl next Saturday. Cat 6 will not have a representative in the race. I will be stamping manifests and the rest of the team will be doing a simulated Stupor Bowl race at Freewheel on their trainers. I believe they'll be doing the Carmichael Training alleycat dvd.

Note to Chicago family: Your Highness will arrive on Valentine's Day at approximately 9 am for his annual winter visit. I'd like to go to the Loop again. Lizzie, when you hang out with Paul and I some of the coolness can't help but rub off.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Four Rode The Hiawatha Ride...One With A Sore Testicle

Snazzy fenders!
Hipster bike!
If I had a dog like this, Mrs would have to sleep on the couch.

Aah, the dream team fixing Jim's flat tire. It's an inspiration to ride with these guys. Like I say, in my next life I'm going to be a mechanical whiz kid and less (slightly) of a smart ass.

Oh, for those of you in warmer parts of the country, I had the snow flown in and the winter jackets are just a disguise. It was 75 degrees in Minneapolis today.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Word To My Readers At San Quentin. More Cookies On The Way.

We're Engaged To Be Engaged

Boy, do I hate when I run out of pictures and other shit to caption because it means that I'll try to write something. I like writing postcards when I'm on vacation. I can whip out 10 of them in like 15 minutes. Stuff like:

Dear Bolstad:
You suck but that's a well known fact. Mum (Mrs) is shopping like a mf and I need to make another trip to town for booze. Shaving only to get laid.
Love Ray

See, stuff like that is easy. Debbie sits there with her postcards trying to come up with the right words. Hell, nobody gives a shit what you say. They like it that you took time out from the shopping, eating, freebasing cocaine and poetry reading to write them a postcard.

Where were we? Oh yeah, now I remember.

Got my ass chewed out by some woman about her tree on the phone, in person and through an email that she also sent to the City Council and the Mayor. Looks like I'll get another shot at that HR girl after all.

Under the heading of who really gives a fuck I'll be working a stop for Stupor Bowl 10. I will be working the Crusin Chubby's stop. Oh shit, I was sposed to keep that a secret.

My wife was off sick yesterday but still made my lunch. Why do I escort her to the hospital every day? Answer is pretty evident.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

New Birds!! I Could Just Shit!!!!!!!!!!

Field correspondent Snakebite who really, really wishes he lived in Minneapolis submitted this one. The kid on the far left in the front row knows the score. I bet his parents are so proud.
Super Rookie shown here. I'm sure Sickboy is somewhere in the vicinity.
Submitted by field correspondent Tuffy, this Bear's fan seems irate about something. It's ok, I'm sure he went to mass after the game.

Sometimes Mrs And I Read Poetry To One Another. Other Times We Line Up In The Alley, Talk Shit And Derby To The Death.

Me: Hey, how tall are you?
Mrs: 4' 11".
Me: I didn't know they stacked shit that high.
Mrs: Boy, are you puttin' on weight? Cuz the shadow of your ass weighs 20 pounds.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

As American As Apple Pie, Chevrolet, Pond Hockey, Smokey Treats And Disfunctional Family Night

Here You Go KM

The desk is 45" x 19". As you can see, it may take a minute or two to clear all the shit off it. If you guys don't want it I'll just burn it in the front yard. My neighbors would love that.

Monday, January 22, 2007

I Can Ride My Bike And Take Action Photos Of Mrs. What I Can't Do (Yet) Is Ride My Bike, Take Pictures Of Mrs And Light A Smokey Treat.

Rollo Von Bismarck

Pond hockey and snow shovelling tournament
Oh, the bunny is just so cute. Rollo ran a pack of kids and their parents off for his photo shoot.
Nothing like standing on a bridge and spitting at cars.
Debbie, you wouldn't happen to have a hundred one dollar bills I could borrow, do you?
The world's shittiest baseball stadium.