Sunday, December 31, 2006

Me, Mrs And Some Stranger Walking By At The Ordway

The musical (White Christmas) was good. Dinner at Mancini's satisfied my intake of red meat for the month and today we're out running errands while the car's still running. Mrs has suggested we clean/organize my room today. We'll see.

Big time ride on New Year's Day starting at 10 am - Hiawatha Cyclery - 54th St and 42nd Ave So - It should be fun. Come on out. Don't worry, you can keep up even in a hungover state.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Aah, Back When Riding In The Winter Meant Something

A Warm Welcome To My Reader In San Luis Obispo

I keep writing this shit and it never gets any better. But you, at your desk with all the carry-out menus, neatly sharpened pencils and half-dead office waste your time reading it. Thanks anyway.

Road trip to the Department of Natural Resources in downtown Saint Paul this morning. I have to get my Tree City USA recertification in today so we get the all-important sticker for the plaque at City Hall. Route and food stops are now in the planning process.

I will be attending the musical White Christmas with Mrs tomorrow afternoon at the Ordway. You bet you're sweet ass I'm cultured. I have not chosen an outfit for the occasion but doubt it will include knickers, merino wool or a football jersey.

I felt somewhat cheated by the fact that I was ill'n over Christmas week. Therefore, I have eaten this week like a condemned prisoner. I have hit the cookie platters at City Hall with a vengeance and even proposed marriage to a woman who made some type of cereal, chocolate and m & m concoction.

If you happen to be at One on One Bike Studio just tell Gene-O that I said it's okay for you to pick up my Rollo bike. I just can't seem to make it down there. Maybe tonight. Maybe not.

Big New Year's plans will include a can of aerosol cheese, a screening of Doctor Detroit and staying up late (9 pm).

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Yaaaaaaar! Thieving Bikers!!

Our mechanics are in a seperate building across the street. I stole a can of their free nuts they received from a vendor on Tuesday. The head mechanic was kinda pissed about it. When he arrived at work today this photo was waiting for him in his e-mail. I didn't steal anything today.

One Bourbon, One Scotch And One Beer

I don't miss being hungover. Some of y'all are going to be hungover during the holiday season. Which one of these is/was it:

1 Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy from any truck stop USA.

2 Star Hangover
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you can really handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of coke - yet haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your makeup on riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following:
1 - the clock to strike 6 pm
2 - the entire appetizer list from TGI Fridays
3 - a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 Star Hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last bit of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely dont remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

God, I Miss That Dark Hair

This is the picture of me that appears with my profile on the City's intranet. It's from about 5 years ago. I think I rode 3200 miles that year.
Here I am last summer with two adorable little girls. I think the chair makes me look thinner.

Pictures Of Mrs New Vacuum Cleaner Coming Soon

Besides the Nuns Having Fun calendar I also received from Mrs, Wu and Snowy:

Carhartt flannel shirt - I had a shitload of really nice flannel shirts and then I ate my way out of I gave them away...then I lost a bunch of weight...and didn't have any flannel. You should be crying by now.

Smartwool cuff up beanie - Repeat after me, YOU NEVER HAVE ENOUGH WINTER HATS. I ride all winter with at least 3 spares in my bag at all times.

Smartwool midweight baselayer bottoms - These babies are soft and warm. Of course they're black.

Columbia wool socks - These socks are knee length, very stylish and warm

Sayner Bike Trail long sleeve t-shirt - Kind of an old gold color and very GQ. We ride the Sayner Trail on our annual trip to Wisconsin. One of the highlights of the trail is the section with the utility poles in the center.

Yes, I am loved (I have the license plate to prove it). All very practical items. My birthday is in April so maybe the Salad Shooter, pink fuzzy backless slippers and the grenade launcher will come then.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Hey, how's all that 'assembly required' shit going for y'all today? Mrs and I have hit the streets early two days in a row. Sleep pattern is currently 7:30 pm to 3:30 am. By noon yesterday we had eaten breakfast at Uptown Diner, shopped at Macy's and burned (burned, is that right?) a cd at Electric Fetus. I told Madame to make up for my lack of Christmas shopping on her early morning trip to Macy's. She didn't disappoint.

Where am I using the computer on Christmas morning? After breakfast at Mickey's we went door-to-door in south Minneapolis to see if I could use the computer. A nice family on Nokomis Avenue obliged. Mrs didn't even have to pull out her 9 mm. You believe every word of this bullshit, do ya Boones Farm?

Stopping soon to see Ma. I hear my brother Jim sent her some Christmas cookies. Score!! Later today I'll stop at E's to see what new toys she received.

Back to work tomorrow. Can hardly wait. Remember what I told you Saturday. When your Uncle Eddie tells that long story about whatever...just listen and nod like you understand. Use the right fork, field dress the butts of your smokey treats when smoking on the front steps and for the shit sakes tell the cook how good the meal was.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I've Got Some Groceries...Some Peanut Butter

Back to MG. Couldn't get it together early this morning for the HC ride. Still not feeling all that hot and now Mrs has the same stuff.

Car started and we're driving it. If it doesn't start I'm just going to torch the MF. I think it was Wednesday when some Jedi mind shit went through my head and I ran down to the garage in my jammies and tried yet again to start it. After it started, I threw a coat and stocking cap on and drove around the neighborhood. Radio works well. Enough about cars.

Bowling was fun. I'll get around to posting a couple of pictures. The boys were in their usual festive form.

Have a party tonight at Chammp's in Richfield. I guess if the car starts, I'll go.

So, enjoy your Christmas weekend and try not to create too many awkward incidents at family get-togethers. Mrs and I need to stop at the grocery store to pick up Christmas dinner - chicken soup and bread for dry white toast.

Friday, December 22, 2006

When I Say It's Safe To Surf, It's Safe To Surf

Back at Melo-Glaze which is closing in 10 minutes for some GD reason.

Rode a bike here because walking 3 blocks is a hellish affair but riding your bike any distance is cool.

Bowling day today with the boys at work. Not sure if I'm up to bowling. Pictures will be on Sportscenter this evening.

Peace out.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Alive And Sorta Well And Posting From Melo-Glaze

Haven't been to work since Monday. Got sick Monday night and layed in bed all day yesterday. Nothing to eat at all which is sort of news if you know me even a little bit.

Got tired of laying in bed and threw on some clothes and walked to Melo-Glaze for a donut and interneting. Must be feeling somewhat better cuz I've had two donuts and a large cup of milk. Coupled with the toast and cake I had at home I pronounce myself as somewhat better.

Glad to see those I tagged were good sports and participated.

Would like to take the train downtown to pick up Rollo at One On One but don't feel that good. Hell, yesterday was pizza day and today was cookie day and I passed on the two best eating days of the year at work.

Happy Birthday to Ma on her 83rd birthday. I really wish Ma was alert enough to read this shit because she'd really get a kick out of it.

I'd like to write more but my head hurts and my bed is calling me. And my Melo-Glaze is...

Monday, December 18, 2006

I Sure The Hell Hope Rollo Isn't Afraid Of Snow, Slush And Crappie Flopping

6) I'm Really Good In Bed - I Almost Never Fall Out

Another round of "tag" is going around and since Tuffy tagged me - I will give you 5 items about me that you may not of known. I can see you on the edge of your $60 Office Depot office chair. Okay, let's hit it:

1) I met my wife (Debbie?) when I had my knee operated on. She was a nurses' aide at Kennedy Hospital in Chicago. I met her on October 15, 1979 and we got married on October 15, 1980.

2) My father died when I was 8 years old. In order for my mother to go back to work one kid needed to be farmed out, I suppose. I lived with my grandmother during the school year for grades 3,4,5,6 and 7. Grandma was a salt-of-the-earth gal who told you like it was.

3) I have a fairly large shoe collection for a man. Let's see - I've got 4 pairs at work alone and about 40 pairs at home.

4) I have an unbelievable memory for dates, phone numbers, birthdays...anything that includes a number in it. I also forget where the car is parked in the mall parking lot seconds after I walk away from it.

5) I was born at 12:06 am on April 2, 1958. My mother has always claimed that she held out so I would be born on the 2nd and not be an April Fools baby. At least I kept her mind occupied on April Fools Day.

Wake up, GDit!! It's over!!

In keeping with the program - I TAG:
Rookie Rider
The Old Bag
Mellow Vello

You don't have to do this. Tuffy tagged me and I left the comment 'You Suck' on his blog. I hope any of you I tagged would have a similar reaction. Powerful emotion makes the world go around.

Friday, December 15, 2006

I think BROWWWWN Could Do Wonders For My Image

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

Banjo Brothers is one of my sponsors along with CRC and the Fairview treatment clinic. Mike, who I'm not sure if he's Banjo Brother # 1 or #2 is on the far left. I hope you followed that logic. Those are his lovely sisters seated next to him. What a great family photo. I think the bird isn't utilized enough in family photographs.

Who Are Those Guys?

Marko - Now there's some ink!! Cross racer and alleycat legend - Need to be introduced to him at next Stuporbowl
Allan - Cat 6er, triathalete, in a select group of runners I don't despise
Tuffy - former Cat 6er, currently of Grumpy's/LGR - This better be good - SWAGGER
Specially shot for my 3rd favorite Stay At Home Mom - Let's go get ink together
Morgan - Cat 6er - not lacking in self-confidence
The incomparable E - famous cycling career not too far off
Saturday morning Hiawatha cycling homies including The Rookie Rider (blue shirt, right side, front) and Snakebite (mauve, left, front)
My 4th grade teacher
3pO - Ringleader of the folks from Lincoln. Was riding his bike at Homey Fall Fest with some type of cast on his leg. Why not, huh.
Unidentified member of the Lincoln crew - Just guessing that he wasn't feeling exactly chipper the morning of Homey. Damn Gatorade!
Skibby - Bike racer, master photo shopper and mentor to Rider X
Rider X - Biker racer, lives in my hood and a really charming fellow
Iron Mike - what Bear's fan doesn't love Mike?
The Man In Black - not many words needed here
Mrs - world renowned winter cyclist. Broke her foot one time on the morning dog walk and still went to work that day. A real LTG. That's Legitimate Tuff Guy/Girl.

Aw, Don't Cry Aimee

This is the family princess, Aimee. She is my great-niece and a real doll. Sounds like her momma took great measures to make sure her visit to Santa was a happy one. But, from the picture it doesn't appear that this Herculean effort was successful.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I Take A Quick Two To Nothing Lead Over The Mrs

Mrs won the crappie flop (Winter falls) competition last winter by a score of 5 to 3. Her victory was secured on a day she fell 3 times in 90 seconds on the Greenway on a particularly icy morning. It wasn't icy during escort service of Her Majesty this morning, but the streets had glazed over by the time I passed through the neighborhood again. I hit the deck in Richfield on about 68th and Bloomington...slid at least 300 feet, 250 of which I was standing on the bike and surfing. No major damage to the bike or my clothing. You don't want to tear your knickers or riding jacket. My knee has an owie on it. Fell down a second time to show that the first fall was no fluke.

Christmas tree has lights on it now. It's got a thousand lights on it and is visible from Wisconsin, the Dakotas and CRC.

Enabled anonymous comments just for you princess. I'll re-run the ash tray picture. I'm sure you'll have a comment about that. No Hurl, I wasn't addressing you.

New mayor is stopping down today to meet and greet. I was told to be in full dress uniform. I asked if "Eat Me" bike socks were acceptable. Boss grumbled. If I had to supervise me there's no way I could do it without alcohol.

My dogs send out a big slobbery kiss to E's mom (I think her name is Kris) for driving me to Target for a rather large bag of dog food...and the lights for previously mentioned Christmas tree.

You're still stumped on what to get that hard to shop for person on your Christmas list aren't you? Get 'em one of these and they'll love you forever.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Why Do We Ride? Beats The Shit Out Of Me!

Do you ride a bike? Why? No, don't tell me why. I don't care. I know why I ride and hope you don't care about my reasons. But since I had a good night's sleep due to modern pharmaceuticals, let's take a stab at this:

1) My car won't start - Every couple of weeks I stick my hand through the window and see if it will start. Even when it's running, I don't drive it much.

2) There ain't shit on tv - Once upon a time there was CSI and Law and Order. Now there's five of each of them and a thousand reality shows. Emmit Smith doing the cha cha? Not on my watch, homey.

3) It gives me an excuse to ignore my lawn - See, I achieved my mileage goal for the year and suddenly last weekend I was raking/mulching/burning/basket weaving leaves. Remember though, I still love you fuckers with the honey-do lists.

4) There is no #4. Move on to #5

5) Bikes, bikes, bikes - Once you achieve geek status, one bike just isn't enough. Hell, five or ten isn't enough. All of them are different to ride. How many bikes do I need? The answer is x + 1.

6) I tried rollerblading and couldn't fucking stop - There was the time, however, when I went down the big hill on West River Parkway near Franklin Avenue and was passing runners, bikers and cars. Came to a stop with a spectacular crash landing in the grass that created a crater that took 10 dumptruck loads of dirt to fill. I was a biscuit under 300 pounds at the time. Force = Mass times Acceleration.

7) Sparks show - Don't much give a shit that creating sparks by dragging my cleats over the pavement wears out cleats and shoes. Mrs is impressed and as far as men are concerned, this whole life is about impressing chicks.

8) Hitting 35 mph and over going downhill - Never gone at least 35 mph on a bike? Come to Minneapolis. We'll take the Dragger down the Post Road hill in to Fort Snelling State Park. We should be able to hit 35 on that one. And if we can't, we'll go to that Ramsey hill or Ohio Street in Saint Paul.

9) Smokey treats, smokey treats, smokey treats!

10) The friendship I formed with my buddies on the Alan Factory Team - Remember, I got under their skin by following too close and then scaring the shit of them. It's better to give than receive.

If any of you geniuses have others, please leave them in the comments section but try not to fuck up the numbering system.
Hey Snakebite, I think I went over my quota on foul language. There goes my link on Minus Car again.

Sorry I Was Late, I Stopped Off For Coffee And A Smokey Treat

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Mrs Wants One To Frame - What A Kiss Ass!

I posed for Jeff, the main Bike Jerk, on Saturday. It's artsy smartsy and the best of the 200 or so takes it took to get one at least this decent. Other cyclists pictures can be seen here. Against my better judgement I'm going to allow comments on this post...seeing that some of you f-ing vultures are so witty.

Gift Ideas For The Cyclist In The Family - Parental Discretion Advised?

Available at Hiawatha Cyclery - 4205 East 54th Street, Minneapolis

Available at the Cars-R-Coffins Coffee Cafe - 3346 Lyndale Avenue South, Minneapolis

Available at Hollywood Cycles - 722 West 98th Street, Bloomington

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Take 'Em To See Santa So They Can Be Scared Out Of Their Minds

I stole these from 3speed (2 gears too many) who stole them from this guy, who is like the clearinghouse for such nonsense.

May The Lord Watch Over Your Soul Forever, Mr Kim

It Would Look Good With A Chesterfield In It

I have been informed that this is not an ash tray. My babysitting/entertaining expertise has partially been for the purpose of designing and producing pottery by E's mom. This was given to me...actually, I asked if I could have it last night. Students were forbidden to make ash trays. Smoking isn't politically correct, you know. Still, it looks like an ash tray and welcome your comments concerning its merits as an ash tray. I was going to allow anonymous comments just for today so you little chickenshits who hide behind anonymity to leave nasty remarks would be able to express yourselves, but I decided against that.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

NASA Announces Cross Race Series - Cat 6 Will Dominate

Keep It Short. I've Got Online Christmas Shopping To Do.

Mrs has been sick the last 2 days. She spent much of yesterday looking out the window counting cars on 42nd Street.

This is my blog. It's not the New York Times or CNN.

I have the Chrome, Hypnotic Designs and Swobo knickers. Suggested retail of the three combined is $360. Go out and spend some money. Buy that Schwinn fixie at CRC so I won't have to.

Knicker review including homemade ones forthcoming. Don't piss you pants with excitement.

When you come home from your outing and the FREE babysitter is watching a basketball game DON'T CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL!

I know roadies, cx racers, track racers, hipsters, West Banker's and aging Xerox workers who ride bikes and think they're all pretty cool because of it.

This isn't a rant. I'll announce a rant so you can tell.

I want to go to a Minnesota Cycling Federation meeting. If it's out in the suburbs, then I guess I'll need a ride. Hear that Timmy?

Finally talked to a guy that I've said hello to when we passed for a year and a half. He has a 19.5 mile commute which he does year-round. Decent.

Is 42 x 17 on my 1x1 going to be right for commuting? 46 x 17 is a bit tough into the wind.

A 'One Gosh Darn Speed' sticker? You better be riding that single-speed like a mf and not wasting your time looking for a job.

Mrs took the bike maintenance class on my Christmas wish list seriously.

When I take 15 minutes to write and publish this shit during work time, it's terrible, but when you fuck off reading blogs and surfing the net at work it's OK. At least I understand now.

Nineteen days till Christmas. Try not to buy her a vacuum cleaner this year.

Monday, December 04, 2006

I Know I Gave You A List. Throw That One Away.

Debbie pressured me in to putting together a Christmas wish list for myself yesterday and I sat there for an hour and came up with three things. She, on the other hand, came up with a list of 200 items in about 30 seconds. The solitude of winter commuting gave me time to come up with a better list for myself:

1) A tape of my hometown team's (Chicago Bears, bitches) quarterback in action against the Minnesota Vikings from Sunday, December 4th. He distinguished himself by completing 9 passes - 6 to his receivers and 3 to the Vikings.

2) You know I love trees. GD skippy. I think I should have a tree book from here and here. These should be books short enough for even someone with a short attention span, like me.

3) Skibby's Guide To Cyclocross Racing which is actually on Oprah's list of favorite books. The chapters on his epic races are awesome.

4) Salad Shooter - Wonder what kind of distance do you get with one of these babies.

5) An autographed picture of Super Rookie from his days as a package handler at UPS. Brown lycra, huh?

6) A week's worth of escort service to my job. Then you can turn around in Richfield and head off to the hospital. You should be there by noon.

7) Enroll me in a basic bike maintenance class at Freewheel where I'll learn how to put air in my tires and how to raise and lower the seat.

8) Rivendell cycling cap and a seat cushion for my Brooks saddle. Both items should be available at Hiawatha Cyclery.

9) New "Wizard of Oz" tapes or dvd's. Best place to shop for these would be down the block from One on One.

10) Finally, a comprehensive book concerning lawn maintenance. Next summer I'm going to curtail much of this crazy bicycling and concentrate on my lawn.